Don't You Forget About Me

Don't you forget about me...a sentence that sums up a fear many of us fear. What are we leaving behind? What will we be remembered as? Will we leave an impression? So many questions with so few answers. Every time I hear the song "Don't You Forget About Me" I wonder what am I leaving behind to be remembered by. I fear I am leaving nothing, that I am nothing, leaving no one to remember my time on this earth. "Don't You Forget About Me" will never be forgotten or the cult classic movie it is associated with, The Breakfast Club. The ending of that movie is forever engraved in my mind with Judd Nelson shoving his fist into the air and that song playing in the background as all of the breakfast club voice over the letter they wrote

That letter states a scary truth how people view others in the most simplest of terms the most basic definitions, which becomes true even after your gone. Your whole life becomes boiled down to one definition of who you are and how people remember you. Whether we mean to or not we label people and see them as one type of person. People who leave a legacy are viewed under one term. When you think of someone famous anyone dead or alive think of that definition you associate with them. You probably have only one or maybe two things you think of. Now go research that person, really research them not just a quick skim of Google. You'll probably find there is a lot more to that person than the one or two terms you think of them as. That's what the breakfast club tries to teach us that we have all types of emotions, apsects, talents inside of us but at the end of the day and at the end of our lives people tend to remember only one or if we are lucky two things about us, which makes you wonder what are people remembering?

My greatest fear is that I won't be remembered, that I will never achieve that icon fist in the air moment. I want to engrave myself on this world and leave an image of me that people will remember. How do I create that image? How do I shape it to be what I want? How do I know i'm leaving the right one image of myself? I worry about that with every decision I make. I wish I could be remembered as everything I am but I know that's not the case. As more time keeps passing and the older I get I fear people have already created a view of me I cannot escape. What if I have missed my chance?  You only have one shot at that one side of you that people will forever remember. I want to make sure it has the good feelings and the lasting power like Judd Nelson's Iconic moment. I want to be remembered for my heart and talent and not the confusion I feel now.

We all want to be remembered, to leave a lasting impression on this earth. We all wish that people would remember everything about us but sadly that's not the case. People never remember the complex but they do remember the simple definitions they create for themselves. What image are you leaving behind? are you shaping it in to what you want? all we have is the one chance and once people have the image of you shaped their is no changing it. start now before it's to late, don't let yourself be forgotten or worse remembered as something you are not. If the breakfast Club and it's ending taught me anything it is we all have the chance to be remembered but you have to choose how you want to be remembered and make it happen for yourself. you can achieve this:

I will achieve this. I will have my moment with my fist in my air that all will remember. 

You won't forget about me.

That Dark Place

We all have a dark place in our mind that is opened in times of sadness or hardship. Most the times that door is closed in our minds and we can go about with our everyday lives without the darkness consuming us, but those of us that suffer from depression our dark room operates a little differently. For others the door on the dark room stays closed and locked unless something terrible happens that breaks the lock and throws the door wide open. With depression their is never a lock on the door and each day we have to fight to make sure that door stays closed. It's like their is someone on the other side trying to push the door wide open and those with depression fight that other person to keep the door closed. When that fight is lost that person, me, is blown back by the force of the darkness spreading from the room and over taking every part of my brain. I am then left lost in the darkness struggling to gather all the pain. confusion, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that were unleashed when the door burst, and fighting to get them back behind the door and the door closed. With the door open though it's hard to know where I am in my mind and where the door is to try and shut everything away; I am wandering through my own mind lost in the sea of darkness that has overtaken my mind. It may be hard for those who don't have depression to understand because they have a lock on that dark part of their brain. their darkness is locked securely away. It may occasionally escape or slip out under the cracks of the door with every once in a very great while bursting open and flooding a person's mind, but most of the time it is securely locked away without another thought given to that dark room,  with depression it's different. That door is never locked. Yes some days it may be closed, but the difference is their is always the potential at any given moment for that door to burst wide open. That is why a person battling depression is always on the other side of the door trying to keep it closed and trying to not let it win.

Right now my Dark place has burst open and I am wandering lost through my own head. Think of Ghostbusters when the containment unit gets shut down and it explodes and all the ghosts are let free back into the city. My containment unit of my dark place is constantly shutting down and exploding letting all the darkness out. I'm left to attempt to collect all the negative emotions that were set free when the door burst( for the 100 millionth time) but I have to fight each one before I can even stand a chance of collecting it and putting it back in the containment unit. I'm a Ghostbuster in my head waging war against self doubt, pity, self hatred, loathing, sadness, tiredness, and the many other demons that come with depression. I run around in the darkness of my mind searching for the demons my mind let out and trying to weaken them so I can trap them in a little trapper pack and put them back in the containment unit. Most the time it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because it seems as I collect some and put them back behind the door they escape while I'm trying to collect the others still left. It's only me in my head, a lone ghostbuster, no one else can help put the demons back.

That's the scary part about depression that in your mind you are truly alone. It's why people who don't understand get sick of a person with depression. They think the person isn't trying to be happy or is just letting the negative thoughts win, but that's not the case. It's one person fighting a never ending supply of negative thoughts and emotions. No matter what anyone tries to tell you or say to make you feel better you are still alone cleaning up the mess because the demons in your head refuse to listen to anyone else but you. other's voices are just bee's buzzing in the demons ears. they may annoy the demons in your head but they don't put them back behind the door. the only person that can do that is you. I struggle with this. Many times the demons in my head win because I don't have the strength to fight, it doesn't mean I don't try but when it's only me fighting it becomes very exhausting very quickly. It's easier to just let the darkness take over than fight to contain it all to only let it explode again.

That dark place in your mind is a scary place. We all have it. The only difference is some of us have a lock on it and some of us don't. Those of us that don't wish with all their heart they did. Life would be easier if those of us with missing locks had them or could install them, but we are forever fighting to keep our door or containment unit from exploding open. Maybe some day we will have that door firmly closed, the containment unit turned on but there is always the potential for that door to burst wide open and the unit to shut down letting all the demons out. We'll keep fighting for that someday because that's all you can do. All you can do is fight the darkness pushing it back in its room and enjoy the days where the darkness is a little less, possibly even all the way behind the door. It'll burst again, it always does, but it makes those days where it is behind the door that much better because we know what it's like when that door is not closed.

Two steps forward and two steps back

It's always two tiny steps forward and two large steps backwards. I just can't seem to get my life together. Just when I feel like progress is being made I feel like I am being blown backwards. You know those giant wind tunnels where you fight to get to the door or end of the tunnel? I feel like I am stuck in one of those and I make it a few feet closer but am always blown back after each little bit of progress so I have to start over again. The end of the tunnel is a long ways away and some days, I think I won't ever reach it. All I can do is get up off my butt and fight against the wind again and maybe just maybe I'll reach the door this time.


I fight to reach you not knowing
what's on the other side of you
just when I think I'm there the wind
catches me and blows me back
I have to start my trek all over
again in hopes of reaching you this time
the other side of you has got to be better
than the side i'm stuck fighting on.
it must be peaceful over there the
calm after the storm I fought to get across.

One Tree Hill Life Lessons

I've been watching One Tree Hill recently and it has gotten me to thinking about lessons I've learned from the

show. One Tree Hill has relationships, thoughts and events that really make you think about your own life. Now some of you may be laughing at me thinking I'm dumb to take life lessons from a TV show, but One Tree Hill to me is more than a TV show. I've grown up with that show watching it through high school and

college.Many of the quotes I turn to for inspiration or guidance are from this show. Like this quote below, 

we have to continue to believe in our dreams and wishes if we want them to come true because we never know when that might happen. I often forget to believe in my dreams, instead choosing to believe I am foolish for believing in something that will never come true, but this quote reminds me if I want it to happen I have to always carry it with me and believe. It's not easy to keep a dream in your heart, especially when everything and everyone is telling you you should give up, but it wouldn't be a dream if it came easily. A dream is something that has to be worked for so when it comes to fruition we realize how lucky we are to have it come true.

Another Quote that sticks with me is this one:

In life we often become obsessed with the end result instead of the journey we take to get there. We become so concerned with finding the perfect job, finding our true love, getting married and starting a family, we forget to enjoy all the mistakes and all the twists and turns that get us to the destination. This quote reminds me that every mistake, every fall, every adventure is part of the journey. if you let fear hold you back you might miss out on a better destination than the one you wind up at.

Along the same lines of worrying and fearing the journey is the obsession of happiness as a destination. The quote below describes what's wrong with thinking of happiness as a destination.  

We're taught that we need to be happy and that it is something you can search out an attain by having the right things or the right job or the right partner, but happiness doesn't work that way. One Tree Hill reminds me that true happiness is a mood not a place that you can arrive at. You can't picture happiness as being achieved by having the right job, or the right house, or the right amount of money. If you picture happiness that way then you may never be happy. Happiness is a mood it's not always there it comes and goes like any mood, but if you view it as a mood instead of a destination you may just find happiness more often.

If you find yourself unhappy or afraid or your life not where you want it think of this quote:

I think of all the time we waste trying to figure out why our life if where it is and try to put the blame on others but the truth is we are where we are because of ourselves. We can try and blame life, circumstances, fate whatever target we find to blame, or we can accept that we shape our own life. Life may not always be fair but if we fight back and chase after what we want we can achieve our dreams. Every choice we make every, every decision we decide takes us a step further on the path. So make the right choices if you want to stay on the right path because if you wind up on one you don't want to be you have no one to blame but yourself.

The Last lesson and one of the firsts One Tree Hill taught me is this one:

The fact of life is we are all struggling with something in our lives. Each person you meet is battling something that you may have no idea what it is. Remember that the next time you insult someone or judge someone. We have no idea what each other is going through and the struggles that each other faces. It can make a person feel incredibly alone to know that they are just one of many fighting through life. If you can find that one person, doesn't matter who they are if they are a friend, family, significant other, the journey will seem a little less lonely and scary. All you need is one to make you feel connected to the world and remind you you can make it through.

In life we are struggling to find the answers and find the help to make it through. Some people turn to God, some people turn to science, some people turn to books. I turn to anything that sticks with me, whether it's a tv show, a book, a person, history, myself. Anything that can help make sense of this journey we are on I gather and store in my mind for those times I begin to doubt and wonder what I'm working for. Whatever you may turn to I hope it reminds you to enjoy the journey and not be afraid.

Poetry Throwback

Finally a new post! well... kind of. Life has been crazy and I have been going through a rough patch. I didn't want to take the risk of writing a post that was me whining or complaining because that's not what this blog is about. Also I was just feeling a lack of inspiration, but I'm back with thoughts in my head that are ready to be written. I have perspective on this past rough patch so I can write about now from a place of reflection and analysis. So stay tuned for those posts coming soon!

I didn't want to leave you hanging though with just an update and I did promise some of my poetry so here it is! A couple of my favorite poems that I wrote in college. I have them complied into a collection that I hope someday I can publish. It never hurts to dream! So check them out and leave any comments and thoughts below. If you really like what you read then share my blog please!!

Puzzle Piece

did you ever wonder where you fit in?

How your puzzle piece fits into the whole?

Sometimes I feel like my puzzle piece

has fallen off the table.

The missing piece that no one

has even realized is missing yet.

It lays on the floor right

under the table,

as others work hard with all

the other pieces fitting them

into their place.

They work with the pieces that matter,

the pieces that make up the edge

of the image.

While my piece is one of those

annoying middle pieces

that isn't touched till the very end.

It doesn't make up the image.

It's one of those filler pieces,

a solid blah color

like black or blue

part of the sky or night.

A piece that just blends in

no different from the other sky pieces.

It's one of those pieces that

is easily mistaken for another,

which is why it remains

forgotten on the floor.

The last piece to be remembered.

The last piece to find its place.

Avoiding Daylight

She awakes to the feel of the cold

against her warm exposed skin

sending shivers down her spine.

She turns away from the threatening day

retreating to the inside of the bed

where light can not yet reach her.

She knows its almost time to rise

hearing her alarm clock tick away

her last few minutes to lie in bed.

She shouldn't waste her time like this

but she can't force herself to move just yet.

She hates this part of the day where

she must force herself to awake

and begin the monotony that has

become her life. Each day becomes

a little bit harder to climb out of bed

a little bit harder to not just lie there

just for a few more minutes.

As she hides from the sun, which slowly

becomes stronger with each passing minute,

she wonders what the point is...what is she

doing with her life? Each day she wakes

and follows the same routine the same schedule.

All excitement that might have been had vanished

consumed by responsibility and chores.

The only time her life promised any new

or exciting change was at night when

she could retreat inside the world of her dreams.

Her dreams were the only place where she could

let go,live out what she really wish could happen.

Morning ruined all of that, forcing her back to reality.

Morning was the enemy of her dreams.

Forcing her away from where she was happy

back to a place where she had nothing to live for

but what others wanted her to do. Her alarm clock

sounds its fifth attempt to drag her out of bed but

she ignores the call hitting the snooze button

for just ten more minutes of the dark.

The sun now covers her bed reaching its

full peak and she knows she can no

longer hide from its beckoning call.

She knows she must begin her day.

realizing that there is no point

she can't put off her day any longer.

Her alarm clock sounds for the sixth

time and she begins to rise. Slowly

trudging out of bed to face the same

old routine that is her everyday life.

The Walk

Thump thump thump. Listen to the heartbeat. Ringing constantly in your ear. Squish squish squish. The shoes hit the pavement. Rain splashes on the back of well worn jeans. Ripped and torn. Frayed and jagged. Pieces missing where jean should be. These pants have seen many walks. Many steps taken. Over and over the same miles. Again and again. Each step,Each heartbeat. Thump squish thumb squish. It's a lonely walk. More time to think all by yourself. Cars pass by. Cars speed through red lights. Brakes squeal as drivers abruptly stop. Zigzagging, rushing to nowhere. Splashing the water from the curb on whoever is near the sidewalk. She doesn't mind a little water. The bottom of her jeans are soaking wet. Why not the rest of her? Yes please soak her head to toe. Cover her in dirty curb water. Filled with leaves and cigarette buds. Whatever trash someone decided to throw out a car window. She loves the feeling of wet cloth against her skin. Clinging to each nook and cranny of her body. Showing every flaw, every roll of fat she may have. Jeans soaked rub against each other, on the inside of her thighs. Rub them raw. Stain them blue. She doesn't mind. What's a little pain? It'll be gone by tomorrow. Start the walk all over again. Lose a little more jean. Soon they won't be pants. They'll be floods. Up by her ankles. The part that made them pants long gone. So ragged and frayed, they fell away. She doesn't mind. These are her jeans. They are good for now. Dirty and torn but still. Long enough to cover her shoes. In the front anyway. She doesn't care about the back. If she doesn't see it what does it matter? What she only sees. It's what matters. Pay no attention to the cars passing by. The cars that don't stop. Won't stop. If they don't see it doesn't matter. Right? Thud collapse. Tires squeal as they abruptly. STOP.


And as an added bonus here is a picture or 2 of what I looked like at the time this poetry was written in 2010

Quick update!

Just a quick update. I have some thoughts in my head about some future posts and some new poems to post here so hang in there as I get everything written and together! I want to also post a get to know me type post that my Friend Jessly in Cleveland tagged me in awhile ago. Hopefully I will get that up tonight.

Also for any makeup lovers out there I do have another blog called Golighty Makeup and other creations so go check it out and subscribe!

http://golightlycreations.blogspot.com/

if you have questions for the get to know me blog comment them below!

A Letter to My Two Best Friends

To My Two Best Friends,

You two have been the reason I have made it through the past couple months. You two always provide me the kick in the butt I need and listen to my problems. I can call you whenever and I know if you can you will answer and listen. You know what I deserve, which means you fight endlessly to convince me that I deserve better.I'm lucky to have two people that are always there for and that always listen because not many people have one let alone two.

To K:
K I have known you since the fourth grade, when you asked me to walk home from school. I said no because I was afraid to get in trouble. that moment forged a friendship that has survived it all, from that moment you have pushed me to try new things and not be afraid of life. You helped me through one of the roughest periods of my life, when I decided to completely change my life around and get out from under my mother's shadow. You were supportive and even helped me dye my hair blonde. You kept telling me to do what makes me happy and not be afraid to chase after what I want. Whenever I am scared to try something, you push me full force into it because you don't accept fear as a reason to hide from life. I have always played life on the cautious side, while you leap straight ahead and don't look back. Many times you have dragged me with you, which let me experience things I never would have otherwise. I am nowhere near as fearless as you are, but because of you I am more brave now than I would have ever been without you.

I look up to you because you decide what you want your life to be and you go for it with full force. You don't let anyone stand in your way or tell you how to live your life. So often I let myself get bogged down by trying to please people and live my life according to others wishes. You remind me that I need to live my life the way I want to, not the way others think I should. Now, I'm not saying you are perfect, I know you have fears and insecurities, but that's why you have me. In those moments of doubt I will always remind you that you are amazing and you are going so far in life. I know you will achieve greatness because of your heart, determination, and caring nature I know you think I sometimes hold you on a pedestal, but it's only because I admire the person you are. Despite your fears, insecurities  and moments of doubt, you always plow right on ahead with life and go on to achieve amazing feats. I use to wonder (and sometimes still do) why you would want to be best friends with me, but I've come to realize we balance each other out perfectly. We fit that cliche that two halves make a whole. You are my other half and I think I am yours because we just get each other and fill the missing places in each other.

You may not always answer your phone, sometimes you are frustratingly hard to get a hold of but when it matters you are there. You have been there every time I have truly needed you and I know you always will be there. I hate and love that you live far away. I hate it because it means you can't always be here when I need you, but love it because it means I can escape and come visit you in all the amazing different places you live. One thing I know for sure is no matter the distance between us our friendship is always there. You are my sister in so many ways that it doesn't matter the distance or how long we go without talking because of our busy lives, you will always be there.

I love you with all my heart and I thank you for asking me to walk home all those years ago. Thank you for introducing me to the many new things that our now favorites in my life. Thank you for making me step out of my comfort zone. Thank you for reminding me how life should be lived. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for including me in your crazy life journey. Most importantly, thank you for always reminding me to be me and loving the crazy person that I am just the way I am. Thank you K for being the sister I never had. No matter what happens in life or where we go you will always be my best friend, my number one, my bb, my sister.

To A:
Our friendship started because I was dating C who is basically like a brother to you. It started out as simply having someone to talk to at family functions and evolved into a friendship that has made you a part of my family. We use to joke that we were each other's number 2 best friends because our number 1 best friend spot was taken. I know you called me your number 2 because I didn't demand your time or make you worry   that I would be mad if you hadn't seen me in a couple weeks. The funny thing is now that we are older we have become each other's "number 1s". You live here with me so you experience my life first hand with me and I yours. It's sometimes hard to explain things to those who aren't around even those closest to you that just live far away, but you always get it because you are usually right there with me. You also understand my crazy relationship and my craziness. We use to go weeks without seeing each other, but now it's weird to me if I go longer than a week without seeing you. Our hangout time just watching movies or pinteresting together is the sanity in my roller coaster life.

 When work, my family, my relationship are all a mess you are always there to help me clean my life up or just help me ignore the mess for a little while. you've become such a huge part of my life that I depend on, I don't know how I would have made it through these months without you. Both of our lives have been a mess, you have been going through so much and it breaks my heart to see you in pain. I know you have been experiencing a wide variety of emotions that you keep to yourself. I think you bottle it up because I think you fear if you ever did let it all out you would fall apart and not be able to get back together again. I want you to know that if you need to fall apart it's okay because I'll be here to pick up the pieces. I would never let you stay broken because you've never let me stay broken. I will always be here for you if you need to cry, yell, go crazy, or just forget about everything and act like stupid 20 year olds. I hope you know I will always be there for you. When you have those days the weight is just too much to bear just pass it to me and I'll take it for awhile so you can breath and have some fun.

You amaze me with how you handle life. I know you may feel that your life is a mess, but I'm amazed at how you survive every obstacle that has been thrown at you. You take life's challenges and deal with them as they happen. After everything life has thrown at you, you are still optimistic, outgoing, caring, loving, and have a passion for life. You have had to deal with so much yet you keep going because it's all you can do. I am so proud and amazed by how strong you are. I sometimes feel weak when I fall apart and I look to your strength to pull myself back together. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong and amazing mother to look up to. I watched you take on motherhood and succeed like all of the other challenges in life. I can't imagine being a mom so young but you make it work and you always make sure your daughter never doubts for a second how much you love her or what you would sacrifice for her. Don't ever worry that you won't succeed because you have one of the rarest qualities, you know how to deal with life's punches. You'll go far because you know how to take what life gives you and make it work. I admire that about you and try to learn how to apply it to my life.

Don't ever feel that the friendship is not equal or you are somehow taking advantage of me because you don't. You are my family, which means I would do anything to help you out because I know you would do the same for me. I love that you know you can always count on me and ask me for help, because I enjoy being a helpful friend. You could never take advantage of help that is freely offered. Besides I get plenty in return  I get to be an amazing aunt to your beautiful daughter and I get an amazing best friend.You are always there when I need you, you put up with my craziness and depressive fits. You do one of the most important things, which is just hanging out and listening to me that means the world to me. When K moved away I lost that safety of having that person that always understood right down from the street from me. You may not be right down the street but 20 mins is still closer than an 8 hour drive. You provide me with an escape and outlet from my house, which is priceless. Very few people are lucky enough to have that friend where they can just hang out and do nothing even in silence and it isn't awkward. I'm lucky I have you and K I can both do that with.

Thank you for being such an amazing friend. I am so glad you moved home and am thankful for how close we have grown because of you moving back. It's been a roller coaster ride these past few months and I'm glad I had someone by my side to help me get through it. I love you very much. Know that I will always be here for you no matter what you need. Your not alone and you have someone that will always have you and your daughter's back no matter what. Hopefully this year we get what we want and get on track but if not at least we have each other to help get through. Thank you for becoming a part of my family and letting me become a part of yours. In my heart you have become a sister to me and I am so lucky that I have not one but two sisters in my life.

Waiting for Inspiration to Strike

My goal is to publish everyday but I don't want to publish just for the sake of publishing either. I have a couple posts in the works that will be posted in the next couple days once I can get the wording right. The one is the story from last Thursday night that I mentioned in another post and the other is a letter of sorts.  That's what I've been working on but I just can't seem to get the words on the screen the way I want them. Both posts are important to me and I want the stories to flow and adequately express what's in my head.So Hang in there with me as I try and find the words to express my thoughts. Feel free to leave some comments and thoughts about what you think of the blog so far!

One Night

In a post a couple days ago I mentioned a post I wanted to write about but didn't have the time to do it justice. I wanted to write about my night Thursday night and how one night can make such a difference. Last Thursday I was having a bad day, some things happened that put me in a mood that was having myself question who I was as a person. I would like to mention you should never give someone the power to make you question yourself, but at times it happens. Thursday was one of those days where I was questioning so much about myself; I shouldn't of, but I was. My best friend who knew what was going on decided to invite me out for the night. I initially said yes but as the time of going out approached I started debating back and forth in my head whether I should go. I drove in the direction of where we were going without having decided whether I was actually going or not. I'm very good at psyching myself out and convincing myself  I shouldn't go somewhere. In the end, I told myself to go have one drink and then I could go home. That night going was the best thing I could have done because it put a lot of things in perspective for.

Thursday night, I made a new friend and realized how far me and my best friend have come. It truly is funny how things happen in life and what can bring people closer. At the bar I had a long heart to heart with my best friend's friend. Her and I had talked a couple times before but have never had the talk which sparks a friendship. You know the talk I'm referring to, where you talk about something close to both of you and you learn things about the other that moves you from acquaintances to friends. I shared my story with her and in turn she shared her story with me that made me realize how many people are battling the same issues as I am. It was a relief to share and not feel ashamed or like the other person would think I was crazy. Every emotion or thought I mentioned I knew she understood without any explanation because she has had the same thoughts. In turn, everything she told me I completely understood because I have felt similar. Our talk took us from having a mutual friend to starting a friendship of our own, which was something I very much needed on that particular day. My hope is that it blossoms into a friendship, with the hope that she knows that she has someone that understands and she can always talk too.

Later that night I sat down with my best friend and talked with her about life in general. She took some time to knock some sense into me about not being upset about a certain situation. Our conversation made me realize how far her and I have come as friends. We used to joke that we were each other's number 2 best friend, but as life changes so do friendships. Moments and conversations have happened that have made our friendship evolve to a different level. To me, she is family. Her daughter and her are my family and I would do anything for them. I know she would do the same in return because that's what family does. we both realized that sometimes it takes life changing moments to make you stop and appreciate what you have. That night, she helped me realize just home much I mean to her, which I had always felt insecure about. I have this irrational insecurity, that I am an annoying person and annoying friend. I tend feel like I never do enough for my friends or I am somehow a bad friend or simply just an annoying person that people put up with. Our conversation that night put some of those fears at ease and helped me gain a little bit more confidence in myself. My life changed for the better when her and her daughter moved back home and I am thankful everyday for that. These past  couple of rough months we were there for each others every up and every down, which there were plenty of downs, and we became better friends because of everything.

It's funny how one night, a couple of hours, can change your perspective on life and make you feel like a different person. I started the day out hating myself and doubting everything about myself, but by the end of the night I felt lucky, blessed, and confident in myself. I realized I have something special to offer people. I many not know what I am doing with my life but I do know I am a good person. I am loyal, I am dependable, I am caring, I have a huge heart, and I am a good friend. As I continue this journey to find my path I can walk with the confidence of what I have to offer and with a few good friends by my side to remind me when I forget.

Some Cliches are True

You know those cliches people tell you about life, usually when life is going terribly, and people think they can cheer you up by speaking some overused words? I'm talking about the ones like: everything happens for a reason, when one door closes another one opens, look at the glass half full, and many more. Most the times when someone uses those cliches it's because they don't know what else to say and those are the only words they can think of. It's frustrating when someone uses a cliche as words of comfort because you already know those cliches, have probably been told them before, leaving you with no comfort because they are empty words everyone uses. The reason something is a cliche is because it has been used so many times that the words become exhausted and the meaning empty. The thing is as often as cliches are used just give a vague empty sense of comfort, some are actually true.

Sometimes when one door closes in life another one does open. Not always, but sometimes. This past weekend I learned what can happen when you can let things go and start looking forward. I let doors in my life close, which opened a variety of new doors. I closed several doors last week, one on hiding the shame of my fight, one on trying to make a person happy, one on feeling ashamed of my life, and one on ignoring the problems I need to face. Now who knows if these doors will stay permanently closed, but for now they are closed. By closing those doors I opened myself to many new possibilities like: I found a sense of self and confidence in starting this blog; I made new friends and reconnected with old ones; I shared my story with others; and I'm taking the steps to find a job, get healthy and in general get my life on track.

 For the first time in a long time I feel like I have purpose with my life and happy. Yes, happy. I feel that by finally dealing with my life I have opened all these new doors for myself that were shut when I was hiding. For the first time in a long time I have the feeling anything is possible, that I can take on life's challenges and win. What's helped me realize this is embracing some of those cheesy cliches, giving them meaning in my life. Who knows how long it will last, but for now it works for me. So my parting words are some cliches that I believe true. Things happen for a reason you may not know it at the time but eventually you will find it. Many times the reasons for the bad are to close doors on old parts of your life and open yourself to new doors. So let go of the old and embrace the new. Listening to the cliches of life could be one of the best things you do.

Just Another Manic Friday

It's been a busy couple of days and I have a great post I want to write about evening Thursday night and how one night can change so many things but I want to able to do it justice and today was just not that day. I was going non-stop until late this evening or I guess it would be yesterday now since it is 1 in the morning on Saturday. So in this late hour I'll leave you with another poem or two and write my story tomorrow. to all my night owls reading: what do you like to do in the late hours that you only do at that time? leave it below in the comments!

Late Night Thoughts

As I sit here, one thought after another

tumbles through my head

the quite pounds in my ears

whispering the dark secrets 

the daylight hides.

That voice that hides from the noise

creeps back in my head

during the silence of the night

taunting me with thoughts

of regret, longing, and confusion. 

Click, Pound,Think

click click click goes the keys.

pound pound pound go the fingers.

I sit here clicking and pounding away

writing then deleting writing then deleting.

thinking and thinking

is that the right word?

does that comma go there?

did I spell that correct?

what was my next thought?

how do I put this in words?

there's therapy in the steady 

click, click. pound, pound.

It's soothing when all you hear is

the steady melody of your fingers.

trying to write what the mouth can not say

trying to find the write order of words

the right emotion and nuance of language

to express those exact thoughts at that exact moment.

click click click.

pound pound pound.

think.

write write write.

think

delete delete delete.

think.

the melody may be right but

the words may never be able to

say the thoughts that stay in my head.

Light it Up

Listening to Fall Out Boy "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" has inspired me to do something I  haven't done in awhile, which is write poetry. So here you go...

Light it Up

Set fire to that feeling burning inside

Let  it twist and turn as it burns 

feel all the pain, memories, thoughts

catch in a roaring blaze

as it tears through you like a forest fire

Light it Up

Take all those smother and suppressed thoughts

light a match and watch as the blue and gold

catch on to the blackness inside

feel the burn as the fire slowly spreads through

 savoring each thought it sets ablaze 

Light it Up

Watch as who you are goes up in smoke

leaving only ashes to remain

smell the charred pain, memories, thoughts

that are now only ashes

pick up the blackened bitter ashes and

Light it Up.

So there you have it my long over due poetry. To give a little background, Poetry was my first love. Ever since my mother introduced me to poetry back in elementary school, I have writing on and off all these years.   Poetry was my first form of self expression, my first real ability at being able to put what I was feeling in to words. I think if I could have made a living being a poet I would have done  that, but sadly poetry doesn't pay very much. I love how Poetry is whatever you want to make it; there are no rules. Poetry is about art and expression which means you get to choose what you want to do. Do you want to use grammar? Do you want to write one giant sentence? Do you want a form or pattern? Or do you want the poem to be chaos on the paper? Poetry is what you chose to make it and no one can tell you your wrong. Sure there is such a thing as good poetry and bad poetry, but there is no thing as WRONG poetry. No one can tell you that you are writing your poem wrong and what an exhilarating feeling that is to be suspended from rules and structure for the time your writing. I love writing poetry and will always love poetry. I'm hopeful one day I can be published but even if that never happens I'm at least putting it out there. So before I end for this post I'll leave you with some of my favorite poets: Emily Dickinson(who introduced me to the poetry world and will always be my favorite), Sylvia Plath, Maya Angelou, A professor from college Kathrine Blackbird ( who helped me better my craft and believe in my ability), Langston Hughes, and  I'm a sucker for William Shakespeare.

Who are some of your favorite poets? or some of your favorite poems? leave them in the comment section! I'd love some new authors to read! 

The value of Family

Today I went to dinner with my cousin. We didn't talk about anything serious just ate some delicious sushi and caught up.

yes I like to post pictures of food

  Catching up with my cousin outside of a family function reminded me of the importance of family. Now, I'm not talking about just blood family but those people that are such a huge part of your life that you consider family. My family taught me from an early age that family is not just about blood but people who you love. At Holiday times my mother always has an open table to anyone who needs a place for the holidays. She taught me that no one should be alone and without a family. I'm lucky to have my blood family, my best friend family, my ANTIC family, my sorority family and my extended non-blood family created by my parents. Not many people can say they have that much family in life. Each family fits a different need but the one thing I can count on is that they are always there when I need them. It's cliche but true that family comes in all different shapes and sizes and so on.

So where does family fit in with the great search to find yourself? They are there to be your support, to make you laugh, to knock some sense into you, to give you advice, to be your sounding board. Your family, whoever they are going to give you the tough love you need to keep yourself from letting the struggle and the fight win. My "family" has been there many times to save me from my worst enemy, myself. My blood family has been there to give me the tough love, my best friend family to knock sense into me and just listen to me vent, my ANTIC theater family has been there to make me laugh, and my sorority family has been there to do stupid fun things with and get advice. My families remind me I am never alone, that I don't have to fight by myself. To others out there reading this don't ever be afraid to turn to your "family". No matter who you consider family, if you have deemed them worthy of that title then you should never hesitate to call them when you are in need or just need an ear.

 I know I'm sometimes afraid to reach out to people because I don't want to be a burden with my problems, but when I do reach out it feels so much better then trying to deal with it alone. I have a voice of reason that helps me gain perspective and stops me from beating myself up about all the little things I do wrong. I deal better with all my issues when I choose to let someone in because an outside voice almost always can reach the voice inside me trying to hit the self destruct button. It's never easy to ask for help or reach out to someone, even family, but when you do there is an immediate relief in the action itself.

So take a second of your day and reach out to a member of your "family". Go to dinner, talk on the phone, grab a coffee, whatever. I guarantee that the small action of just talking about nothing with someone you love will make your day a little brighter and give yourself a little more strength to keep fighting to find who you are.

On a Search

Hello to all! Welcome to my blog! first let me start by  introducing myself. My name is Kristen and I'm a 20 something year-old from Ohio. Like many 20 year-olds I'm on a mission to find my place in life and to figure out what I should do with my it. I graduated from college so am now being pressured to find a job, any job that will give benefits and what not. I find the job search a difficult process because I am terrified of being trapped into a job that I hate. In my current job I have the freedom to travel, to pursue my interests, to do other things besides work; but the job pays next to nothing, has no benefits, and no room for growth. I decided to start this blog because I wanted a place where 1) I could get back into writing 2) have an outlet for my thoughts and 3) share and connect with others. I must add that besides being a college graduate with no "big kids" job I battle clinical depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I also have an incredible self-loathing for myself while at the same time a type-A personality, which means I beat myself up over every little failure in life. I go through highs and I go through lows. Some days when a depression bout hits it's a struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. I'm sharing this with you all because I want to share with others my story. I'm not going to whine or bitch about my life but simply share with you my thoughts. I know many of you out there battle what I battle with. It's a comforting thought to know I am not alone and thoughts that I have don't make me crazy and are shared by others. I'm hoping to hear from others and make this Blog an open, honest and safe place for everyone.

 Depression isn't being sad or hating your life or seeking attention. I know I am very blessed in my life and there are people out there worse off then me. I don't want to be depressed but when an episode occurs I have no control. I know many of you out there know I'm talking about. An episode is usually triggered by some event no matter how small. When an episode starts I become a person I don't like in the least. I beat myself up constantly, I cry over everything, I sleep all the time, I do nothing but hide in my house and ignore the world. When the episode ends I am so ashamed of myself because of the way I acted. there is a possibility that I may suffer from some type of Bipolar, which I am looking into. I am lucky because I am surround by many people that love me, stand by me during my episodes, and attempt to understand. I am even more blessed to have people in my life that are battling similar conditions and truly understand what is going on in my head. I take medication and am in the process to finding someone to talk to, but as many of you know medication and therapy only helps manage the symptoms. You have to fight yourself constantly and it's exhausting but it's what has to happen. I decided that it was time to get back into the world of writing and start by sharing a bit of myself with the world. I am working on not being ashamed of my struggle but to embrace and be proud of who I am. Many of you out there are battling the same things as me so my hope is that by sharing my story I can make others feel not as alone, feel less ashamed, and start the journey to healing. 

      
A little insight about the name of my blog, it came from my Favorite movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. I think Holly Golightly sums up the feelings of depression and  anxiety best when she says:
        "You know those days when you've got the mean reds.... the blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long.  You're sad, that's all.  But the mean reds are horrible.  You're afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of.  Except something bad is going to happen, only you don't know what it is."
We all get cases of the mean reds some more than others. Right now I feel like I am in a constant state of the mean reds because so much of my life is in a state of confusion or limbo. I'm terrified of the job search, of growing up, where my relationship is going, that I'm letting life get away from me. Simply put I'm afraid of everything and constantly afraid that every decision I make is the wrong one. Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite movie because the character of Holly is as lost as I am. When she says, "I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's" that was the part that made that movie my all time favorite. in those few sentences Holly captured how I feel about my search to find my purpose and my struggle with depression. I don't want to make any big commitments until I find the place that I am supposed to be. I don't know where that is but I have had tastes of what it feels like. I have had tastes of true happiness and purpose in life and I want to find that again. I want to learn to love who I am and have the confidence to take on the world. So why don't you join me on my journey to find a place like Tiffany's. It won't be easy but it'll be worth it when I get there and when I finally do arrive I will have found the place where me and things go together, and just maybe sharing my story can help others find their places too.