What to Write

We all have those moments where we are at a complete loss of what to write. Oh sure there are probably 50 different ideas going on in your head but when it comes to writing on them you find yourself at a loss of words. I have gone to write now two days in a row but have no idea what I want to write about. Should I write about the book I just read, should I write another piece on my struggles on growing up, or should I branch out and write something completely different. Sometimes the hardest part of writing is picking a topic and following through on the writing. It's all about the follow through, which makes me think of a song by Gavin Degraw called " Follow Through". In that song he says: " You'll have to follow through. on every word you say". Now it may seem like I'm rambling but trust me I'm going somewhere with this song. Read those lyrics again. Now think about the writing process. Every word carries weight, carries meaning, an author has to follow through with what they say on paper to make the words mean something, which can be the most daunting task. The hardest part is transferring the ideas to paper or in this case the ideas to a computer screen. 

Many of my friends often laugh over how heavy my purse is but it's because I usually have two books and two notebooks on me at all times. I may not even touch any of them in a day but it's a comfort to know that any time inspiration strikes I can jot down a few notes about an idea I may have. The struggle comes when trying to flush out that idea. many times I have sat down in front of screen to write sat there for an hour or so to end up with nothing. Maybe I'm over thinking the process. Maybe I'm just not that strong of a writer. Maybe I'm just lazy that day. Maybe it's the ADHD side of me. Or maybe it's the thought that the words I put out there carry weight, which means I'm not just going to write about anything and post it. Sometimes the hardest part of the writing is the follow through but it can also be the best part. 

When I sat down to write tonight I had no idea I was going to end up writing a whole post on writing but as my thoughts began to wander, the words began to flow and I started to finally follow through on a post. Sometimes the easiest way to jump start the process is not to plan what to write but to let the piece write itself. This may not be my best piece of writing but I've achieved several things with this post. I finally followed through on a blog post, I wrote something down, I feel inspired to keep writing, and I'm following through on my goal of posting more frequently. In not knowing what to write I have voiced out loud my writing process, taking you through my mind( I know a very scary place) on what goes through my mind when I try to write, If you take away anything from this post take away that writing is a constant process. You may not like everything you write. You may walk away with nothing after sitting down for hours trying to write something. But if you just sit and let the words flow with no clear purpose just follow through on the actual act of pen to paper or fingers to keys, you may find yourself with a piece you never thought you could write or at the very least feel like you accomplished something with your time. Until next time, I'll leave you with this image of how I feel about the writing process.

Poetry Throwback

Finally a new post! well... kind of. Life has been crazy and I have been going through a rough patch. I didn't want to take the risk of writing a post that was me whining or complaining because that's not what this blog is about. Also I was just feeling a lack of inspiration, but I'm back with thoughts in my head that are ready to be written. I have perspective on this past rough patch so I can write about now from a place of reflection and analysis. So stay tuned for those posts coming soon!

I didn't want to leave you hanging though with just an update and I did promise some of my poetry so here it is! A couple of my favorite poems that I wrote in college. I have them complied into a collection that I hope someday I can publish. It never hurts to dream! So check them out and leave any comments and thoughts below. If you really like what you read then share my blog please!!

Puzzle Piece

did you ever wonder where you fit in?

How your puzzle piece fits into the whole?

Sometimes I feel like my puzzle piece

has fallen off the table.

The missing piece that no one

has even realized is missing yet.

It lays on the floor right

under the table,

as others work hard with all

the other pieces fitting them

into their place.

They work with the pieces that matter,

the pieces that make up the edge

of the image.

While my piece is one of those

annoying middle pieces

that isn't touched till the very end.

It doesn't make up the image.

It's one of those filler pieces,

a solid blah color

like black or blue

part of the sky or night.

A piece that just blends in

no different from the other sky pieces.

It's one of those pieces that

is easily mistaken for another,

which is why it remains

forgotten on the floor.

The last piece to be remembered.

The last piece to find its place.

Avoiding Daylight

She awakes to the feel of the cold

against her warm exposed skin

sending shivers down her spine.

She turns away from the threatening day

retreating to the inside of the bed

where light can not yet reach her.

She knows its almost time to rise

hearing her alarm clock tick away

her last few minutes to lie in bed.

She shouldn't waste her time like this

but she can't force herself to move just yet.

She hates this part of the day where

she must force herself to awake

and begin the monotony that has

become her life. Each day becomes

a little bit harder to climb out of bed

a little bit harder to not just lie there

just for a few more minutes.

As she hides from the sun, which slowly

becomes stronger with each passing minute,

she wonders what the point is...what is she

doing with her life? Each day she wakes

and follows the same routine the same schedule.

All excitement that might have been had vanished

consumed by responsibility and chores.

The only time her life promised any new

or exciting change was at night when

she could retreat inside the world of her dreams.

Her dreams were the only place where she could

let go,live out what she really wish could happen.

Morning ruined all of that, forcing her back to reality.

Morning was the enemy of her dreams.

Forcing her away from where she was happy

back to a place where she had nothing to live for

but what others wanted her to do. Her alarm clock

sounds its fifth attempt to drag her out of bed but

she ignores the call hitting the snooze button

for just ten more minutes of the dark.

The sun now covers her bed reaching its

full peak and she knows she can no

longer hide from its beckoning call.

She knows she must begin her day.

realizing that there is no point

she can't put off her day any longer.

Her alarm clock sounds for the sixth

time and she begins to rise. Slowly

trudging out of bed to face the same

old routine that is her everyday life.

The Walk

Thump thump thump. Listen to the heartbeat. Ringing constantly in your ear. Squish squish squish. The shoes hit the pavement. Rain splashes on the back of well worn jeans. Ripped and torn. Frayed and jagged. Pieces missing where jean should be. These pants have seen many walks. Many steps taken. Over and over the same miles. Again and again. Each step,Each heartbeat. Thump squish thumb squish. It's a lonely walk. More time to think all by yourself. Cars pass by. Cars speed through red lights. Brakes squeal as drivers abruptly stop. Zigzagging, rushing to nowhere. Splashing the water from the curb on whoever is near the sidewalk. She doesn't mind a little water. The bottom of her jeans are soaking wet. Why not the rest of her? Yes please soak her head to toe. Cover her in dirty curb water. Filled with leaves and cigarette buds. Whatever trash someone decided to throw out a car window. She loves the feeling of wet cloth against her skin. Clinging to each nook and cranny of her body. Showing every flaw, every roll of fat she may have. Jeans soaked rub against each other, on the inside of her thighs. Rub them raw. Stain them blue. She doesn't mind. What's a little pain? It'll be gone by tomorrow. Start the walk all over again. Lose a little more jean. Soon they won't be pants. They'll be floods. Up by her ankles. The part that made them pants long gone. So ragged and frayed, they fell away. She doesn't mind. These are her jeans. They are good for now. Dirty and torn but still. Long enough to cover her shoes. In the front anyway. She doesn't care about the back. If she doesn't see it what does it matter? What she only sees. It's what matters. Pay no attention to the cars passing by. The cars that don't stop. Won't stop. If they don't see it doesn't matter. Right? Thud collapse. Tires squeal as they abruptly. STOP.


And as an added bonus here is a picture or 2 of what I looked like at the time this poetry was written in 2010

Just Another Manic Friday

It's been a busy couple of days and I have a great post I want to write about evening Thursday night and how one night can change so many things but I want to able to do it justice and today was just not that day. I was going non-stop until late this evening or I guess it would be yesterday now since it is 1 in the morning on Saturday. So in this late hour I'll leave you with another poem or two and write my story tomorrow. to all my night owls reading: what do you like to do in the late hours that you only do at that time? leave it below in the comments!

Late Night Thoughts

As I sit here, one thought after another

tumbles through my head

the quite pounds in my ears

whispering the dark secrets 

the daylight hides.

That voice that hides from the noise

creeps back in my head

during the silence of the night

taunting me with thoughts

of regret, longing, and confusion. 

Click, Pound,Think

click click click goes the keys.

pound pound pound go the fingers.

I sit here clicking and pounding away

writing then deleting writing then deleting.

thinking and thinking

is that the right word?

does that comma go there?

did I spell that correct?

what was my next thought?

how do I put this in words?

there's therapy in the steady 

click, click. pound, pound.

It's soothing when all you hear is

the steady melody of your fingers.

trying to write what the mouth can not say

trying to find the write order of words

the right emotion and nuance of language

to express those exact thoughts at that exact moment.

click click click.

pound pound pound.

think.

write write write.

think

delete delete delete.

think.

the melody may be right but

the words may never be able to

say the thoughts that stay in my head.

Light it Up

Listening to Fall Out Boy "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" has inspired me to do something I  haven't done in awhile, which is write poetry. So here you go...

Light it Up

Set fire to that feeling burning inside

Let  it twist and turn as it burns 

feel all the pain, memories, thoughts

catch in a roaring blaze

as it tears through you like a forest fire

Light it Up

Take all those smother and suppressed thoughts

light a match and watch as the blue and gold

catch on to the blackness inside

feel the burn as the fire slowly spreads through

 savoring each thought it sets ablaze 

Light it Up

Watch as who you are goes up in smoke

leaving only ashes to remain

smell the charred pain, memories, thoughts

that are now only ashes

pick up the blackened bitter ashes and

Light it Up.

So there you have it my long over due poetry. To give a little background, Poetry was my first love. Ever since my mother introduced me to poetry back in elementary school, I have writing on and off all these years.   Poetry was my first form of self expression, my first real ability at being able to put what I was feeling in to words. I think if I could have made a living being a poet I would have done  that, but sadly poetry doesn't pay very much. I love how Poetry is whatever you want to make it; there are no rules. Poetry is about art and expression which means you get to choose what you want to do. Do you want to use grammar? Do you want to write one giant sentence? Do you want a form or pattern? Or do you want the poem to be chaos on the paper? Poetry is what you chose to make it and no one can tell you your wrong. Sure there is such a thing as good poetry and bad poetry, but there is no thing as WRONG poetry. No one can tell you that you are writing your poem wrong and what an exhilarating feeling that is to be suspended from rules and structure for the time your writing. I love writing poetry and will always love poetry. I'm hopeful one day I can be published but even if that never happens I'm at least putting it out there. So before I end for this post I'll leave you with some of my favorite poets: Emily Dickinson(who introduced me to the poetry world and will always be my favorite), Sylvia Plath, Maya Angelou, A professor from college Kathrine Blackbird ( who helped me better my craft and believe in my ability), Langston Hughes, and  I'm a sucker for William Shakespeare.

Who are some of your favorite poets? or some of your favorite poems? leave them in the comment section! I'd love some new authors to read! 

On a Search

Hello to all! Welcome to my blog! first let me start by  introducing myself. My name is Kristen and I'm a 20 something year-old from Ohio. Like many 20 year-olds I'm on a mission to find my place in life and to figure out what I should do with my it. I graduated from college so am now being pressured to find a job, any job that will give benefits and what not. I find the job search a difficult process because I am terrified of being trapped into a job that I hate. In my current job I have the freedom to travel, to pursue my interests, to do other things besides work; but the job pays next to nothing, has no benefits, and no room for growth. I decided to start this blog because I wanted a place where 1) I could get back into writing 2) have an outlet for my thoughts and 3) share and connect with others. I must add that besides being a college graduate with no "big kids" job I battle clinical depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I also have an incredible self-loathing for myself while at the same time a type-A personality, which means I beat myself up over every little failure in life. I go through highs and I go through lows. Some days when a depression bout hits it's a struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. I'm sharing this with you all because I want to share with others my story. I'm not going to whine or bitch about my life but simply share with you my thoughts. I know many of you out there battle what I battle with. It's a comforting thought to know I am not alone and thoughts that I have don't make me crazy and are shared by others. I'm hoping to hear from others and make this Blog an open, honest and safe place for everyone.

 Depression isn't being sad or hating your life or seeking attention. I know I am very blessed in my life and there are people out there worse off then me. I don't want to be depressed but when an episode occurs I have no control. I know many of you out there know I'm talking about. An episode is usually triggered by some event no matter how small. When an episode starts I become a person I don't like in the least. I beat myself up constantly, I cry over everything, I sleep all the time, I do nothing but hide in my house and ignore the world. When the episode ends I am so ashamed of myself because of the way I acted. there is a possibility that I may suffer from some type of Bipolar, which I am looking into. I am lucky because I am surround by many people that love me, stand by me during my episodes, and attempt to understand. I am even more blessed to have people in my life that are battling similar conditions and truly understand what is going on in my head. I take medication and am in the process to finding someone to talk to, but as many of you know medication and therapy only helps manage the symptoms. You have to fight yourself constantly and it's exhausting but it's what has to happen. I decided that it was time to get back into the world of writing and start by sharing a bit of myself with the world. I am working on not being ashamed of my struggle but to embrace and be proud of who I am. Many of you out there are battling the same things as me so my hope is that by sharing my story I can make others feel not as alone, feel less ashamed, and start the journey to healing. 

      
A little insight about the name of my blog, it came from my Favorite movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. I think Holly Golightly sums up the feelings of depression and  anxiety best when she says:
        "You know those days when you've got the mean reds.... the blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long.  You're sad, that's all.  But the mean reds are horrible.  You're afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of.  Except something bad is going to happen, only you don't know what it is."
We all get cases of the mean reds some more than others. Right now I feel like I am in a constant state of the mean reds because so much of my life is in a state of confusion or limbo. I'm terrified of the job search, of growing up, where my relationship is going, that I'm letting life get away from me. Simply put I'm afraid of everything and constantly afraid that every decision I make is the wrong one. Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite movie because the character of Holly is as lost as I am. When she says, "I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's" that was the part that made that movie my all time favorite. in those few sentences Holly captured how I feel about my search to find my purpose and my struggle with depression. I don't want to make any big commitments until I find the place that I am supposed to be. I don't know where that is but I have had tastes of what it feels like. I have had tastes of true happiness and purpose in life and I want to find that again. I want to learn to love who I am and have the confidence to take on the world. So why don't you join me on my journey to find a place like Tiffany's. It won't be easy but it'll be worth it when I get there and when I finally do arrive I will have found the place where me and things go together, and just maybe sharing my story can help others find their places too.