The value of Family

Today I went to dinner with my cousin. We didn't talk about anything serious just ate some delicious sushi and caught up.

yes I like to post pictures of food

  Catching up with my cousin outside of a family function reminded me of the importance of family. Now, I'm not talking about just blood family but those people that are such a huge part of your life that you consider family. My family taught me from an early age that family is not just about blood but people who you love. At Holiday times my mother always has an open table to anyone who needs a place for the holidays. She taught me that no one should be alone and without a family. I'm lucky to have my blood family, my best friend family, my ANTIC family, my sorority family and my extended non-blood family created by my parents. Not many people can say they have that much family in life. Each family fits a different need but the one thing I can count on is that they are always there when I need them. It's cliche but true that family comes in all different shapes and sizes and so on.

So where does family fit in with the great search to find yourself? They are there to be your support, to make you laugh, to knock some sense into you, to give you advice, to be your sounding board. Your family, whoever they are going to give you the tough love you need to keep yourself from letting the struggle and the fight win. My "family" has been there many times to save me from my worst enemy, myself. My blood family has been there to give me the tough love, my best friend family to knock sense into me and just listen to me vent, my ANTIC theater family has been there to make me laugh, and my sorority family has been there to do stupid fun things with and get advice. My families remind me I am never alone, that I don't have to fight by myself. To others out there reading this don't ever be afraid to turn to your "family". No matter who you consider family, if you have deemed them worthy of that title then you should never hesitate to call them when you are in need or just need an ear.

 I know I'm sometimes afraid to reach out to people because I don't want to be a burden with my problems, but when I do reach out it feels so much better then trying to deal with it alone. I have a voice of reason that helps me gain perspective and stops me from beating myself up about all the little things I do wrong. I deal better with all my issues when I choose to let someone in because an outside voice almost always can reach the voice inside me trying to hit the self destruct button. It's never easy to ask for help or reach out to someone, even family, but when you do there is an immediate relief in the action itself.

So take a second of your day and reach out to a member of your "family". Go to dinner, talk on the phone, grab a coffee, whatever. I guarantee that the small action of just talking about nothing with someone you love will make your day a little brighter and give yourself a little more strength to keep fighting to find who you are.

On a Search

Hello to all! Welcome to my blog! first let me start by  introducing myself. My name is Kristen and I'm a 20 something year-old from Ohio. Like many 20 year-olds I'm on a mission to find my place in life and to figure out what I should do with my it. I graduated from college so am now being pressured to find a job, any job that will give benefits and what not. I find the job search a difficult process because I am terrified of being trapped into a job that I hate. In my current job I have the freedom to travel, to pursue my interests, to do other things besides work; but the job pays next to nothing, has no benefits, and no room for growth. I decided to start this blog because I wanted a place where 1) I could get back into writing 2) have an outlet for my thoughts and 3) share and connect with others. I must add that besides being a college graduate with no "big kids" job I battle clinical depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I also have an incredible self-loathing for myself while at the same time a type-A personality, which means I beat myself up over every little failure in life. I go through highs and I go through lows. Some days when a depression bout hits it's a struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. I'm sharing this with you all because I want to share with others my story. I'm not going to whine or bitch about my life but simply share with you my thoughts. I know many of you out there battle what I battle with. It's a comforting thought to know I am not alone and thoughts that I have don't make me crazy and are shared by others. I'm hoping to hear from others and make this Blog an open, honest and safe place for everyone.

 Depression isn't being sad or hating your life or seeking attention. I know I am very blessed in my life and there are people out there worse off then me. I don't want to be depressed but when an episode occurs I have no control. I know many of you out there know I'm talking about. An episode is usually triggered by some event no matter how small. When an episode starts I become a person I don't like in the least. I beat myself up constantly, I cry over everything, I sleep all the time, I do nothing but hide in my house and ignore the world. When the episode ends I am so ashamed of myself because of the way I acted. there is a possibility that I may suffer from some type of Bipolar, which I am looking into. I am lucky because I am surround by many people that love me, stand by me during my episodes, and attempt to understand. I am even more blessed to have people in my life that are battling similar conditions and truly understand what is going on in my head. I take medication and am in the process to finding someone to talk to, but as many of you know medication and therapy only helps manage the symptoms. You have to fight yourself constantly and it's exhausting but it's what has to happen. I decided that it was time to get back into the world of writing and start by sharing a bit of myself with the world. I am working on not being ashamed of my struggle but to embrace and be proud of who I am. Many of you out there are battling the same things as me so my hope is that by sharing my story I can make others feel not as alone, feel less ashamed, and start the journey to healing. 

      
A little insight about the name of my blog, it came from my Favorite movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. I think Holly Golightly sums up the feelings of depression and  anxiety best when she says:
        "You know those days when you've got the mean reds.... the blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long.  You're sad, that's all.  But the mean reds are horrible.  You're afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of.  Except something bad is going to happen, only you don't know what it is."
We all get cases of the mean reds some more than others. Right now I feel like I am in a constant state of the mean reds because so much of my life is in a state of confusion or limbo. I'm terrified of the job search, of growing up, where my relationship is going, that I'm letting life get away from me. Simply put I'm afraid of everything and constantly afraid that every decision I make is the wrong one. Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite movie because the character of Holly is as lost as I am. When she says, "I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's" that was the part that made that movie my all time favorite. in those few sentences Holly captured how I feel about my search to find my purpose and my struggle with depression. I don't want to make any big commitments until I find the place that I am supposed to be. I don't know where that is but I have had tastes of what it feels like. I have had tastes of true happiness and purpose in life and I want to find that again. I want to learn to love who I am and have the confidence to take on the world. So why don't you join me on my journey to find a place like Tiffany's. It won't be easy but it'll be worth it when I get there and when I finally do arrive I will have found the place where me and things go together, and just maybe sharing my story can help others find their places too.