That Dark Place

We all have a dark place in our mind that is opened in times of sadness or hardship. Most the times that door is closed in our minds and we can go about with our everyday lives without the darkness consuming us, but those of us that suffer from depression our dark room operates a little differently. For others the door on the dark room stays closed and locked unless something terrible happens that breaks the lock and throws the door wide open. With depression their is never a lock on the door and each day we have to fight to make sure that door stays closed. It's like their is someone on the other side trying to push the door wide open and those with depression fight that other person to keep the door closed. When that fight is lost that person, me, is blown back by the force of the darkness spreading from the room and over taking every part of my brain. I am then left lost in the darkness struggling to gather all the pain. confusion, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that were unleashed when the door burst, and fighting to get them back behind the door and the door closed. With the door open though it's hard to know where I am in my mind and where the door is to try and shut everything away; I am wandering through my own mind lost in the sea of darkness that has overtaken my mind. It may be hard for those who don't have depression to understand because they have a lock on that dark part of their brain. their darkness is locked securely away. It may occasionally escape or slip out under the cracks of the door with every once in a very great while bursting open and flooding a person's mind, but most of the time it is securely locked away without another thought given to that dark room,  with depression it's different. That door is never locked. Yes some days it may be closed, but the difference is their is always the potential at any given moment for that door to burst wide open. That is why a person battling depression is always on the other side of the door trying to keep it closed and trying to not let it win.

Right now my Dark place has burst open and I am wandering lost through my own head. Think of Ghostbusters when the containment unit gets shut down and it explodes and all the ghosts are let free back into the city. My containment unit of my dark place is constantly shutting down and exploding letting all the darkness out. I'm left to attempt to collect all the negative emotions that were set free when the door burst( for the 100 millionth time) but I have to fight each one before I can even stand a chance of collecting it and putting it back in the containment unit. I'm a Ghostbuster in my head waging war against self doubt, pity, self hatred, loathing, sadness, tiredness, and the many other demons that come with depression. I run around in the darkness of my mind searching for the demons my mind let out and trying to weaken them so I can trap them in a little trapper pack and put them back in the containment unit. Most the time it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because it seems as I collect some and put them back behind the door they escape while I'm trying to collect the others still left. It's only me in my head, a lone ghostbuster, no one else can help put the demons back.

That's the scary part about depression that in your mind you are truly alone. It's why people who don't understand get sick of a person with depression. They think the person isn't trying to be happy or is just letting the negative thoughts win, but that's not the case. It's one person fighting a never ending supply of negative thoughts and emotions. No matter what anyone tries to tell you or say to make you feel better you are still alone cleaning up the mess because the demons in your head refuse to listen to anyone else but you. other's voices are just bee's buzzing in the demons ears. they may annoy the demons in your head but they don't put them back behind the door. the only person that can do that is you. I struggle with this. Many times the demons in my head win because I don't have the strength to fight, it doesn't mean I don't try but when it's only me fighting it becomes very exhausting very quickly. It's easier to just let the darkness take over than fight to contain it all to only let it explode again.

That dark place in your mind is a scary place. We all have it. The only difference is some of us have a lock on it and some of us don't. Those of us that don't wish with all their heart they did. Life would be easier if those of us with missing locks had them or could install them, but we are forever fighting to keep our door or containment unit from exploding open. Maybe some day we will have that door firmly closed, the containment unit turned on but there is always the potential for that door to burst wide open and the unit to shut down letting all the demons out. We'll keep fighting for that someday because that's all you can do. All you can do is fight the darkness pushing it back in its room and enjoy the days where the darkness is a little less, possibly even all the way behind the door. It'll burst again, it always does, but it makes those days where it is behind the door that much better because we know what it's like when that door is not closed.

Two steps forward and two steps back

It's always two tiny steps forward and two large steps backwards. I just can't seem to get my life together. Just when I feel like progress is being made I feel like I am being blown backwards. You know those giant wind tunnels where you fight to get to the door or end of the tunnel? I feel like I am stuck in one of those and I make it a few feet closer but am always blown back after each little bit of progress so I have to start over again. The end of the tunnel is a long ways away and some days, I think I won't ever reach it. All I can do is get up off my butt and fight against the wind again and maybe just maybe I'll reach the door this time.


I fight to reach you not knowing
what's on the other side of you
just when I think I'm there the wind
catches me and blows me back
I have to start my trek all over
again in hopes of reaching you this time
the other side of you has got to be better
than the side i'm stuck fighting on.
it must be peaceful over there the
calm after the storm I fought to get across.