That Dark Place

We all have a dark place in our mind that is opened in times of sadness or hardship. Most the times that door is closed in our minds and we can go about with our everyday lives without the darkness consuming us, but those of us that suffer from depression our dark room operates a little differently. For others the door on the dark room stays closed and locked unless something terrible happens that breaks the lock and throws the door wide open. With depression their is never a lock on the door and each day we have to fight to make sure that door stays closed. It's like their is someone on the other side trying to push the door wide open and those with depression fight that other person to keep the door closed. When that fight is lost that person, me, is blown back by the force of the darkness spreading from the room and over taking every part of my brain. I am then left lost in the darkness struggling to gather all the pain. confusion, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that were unleashed when the door burst, and fighting to get them back behind the door and the door closed. With the door open though it's hard to know where I am in my mind and where the door is to try and shut everything away; I am wandering through my own mind lost in the sea of darkness that has overtaken my mind. It may be hard for those who don't have depression to understand because they have a lock on that dark part of their brain. their darkness is locked securely away. It may occasionally escape or slip out under the cracks of the door with every once in a very great while bursting open and flooding a person's mind, but most of the time it is securely locked away without another thought given to that dark room,  with depression it's different. That door is never locked. Yes some days it may be closed, but the difference is their is always the potential at any given moment for that door to burst wide open. That is why a person battling depression is always on the other side of the door trying to keep it closed and trying to not let it win.

Right now my Dark place has burst open and I am wandering lost through my own head. Think of Ghostbusters when the containment unit gets shut down and it explodes and all the ghosts are let free back into the city. My containment unit of my dark place is constantly shutting down and exploding letting all the darkness out. I'm left to attempt to collect all the negative emotions that were set free when the door burst( for the 100 millionth time) but I have to fight each one before I can even stand a chance of collecting it and putting it back in the containment unit. I'm a Ghostbuster in my head waging war against self doubt, pity, self hatred, loathing, sadness, tiredness, and the many other demons that come with depression. I run around in the darkness of my mind searching for the demons my mind let out and trying to weaken them so I can trap them in a little trapper pack and put them back in the containment unit. Most the time it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because it seems as I collect some and put them back behind the door they escape while I'm trying to collect the others still left. It's only me in my head, a lone ghostbuster, no one else can help put the demons back.

That's the scary part about depression that in your mind you are truly alone. It's why people who don't understand get sick of a person with depression. They think the person isn't trying to be happy or is just letting the negative thoughts win, but that's not the case. It's one person fighting a never ending supply of negative thoughts and emotions. No matter what anyone tries to tell you or say to make you feel better you are still alone cleaning up the mess because the demons in your head refuse to listen to anyone else but you. other's voices are just bee's buzzing in the demons ears. they may annoy the demons in your head but they don't put them back behind the door. the only person that can do that is you. I struggle with this. Many times the demons in my head win because I don't have the strength to fight, it doesn't mean I don't try but when it's only me fighting it becomes very exhausting very quickly. It's easier to just let the darkness take over than fight to contain it all to only let it explode again.

That dark place in your mind is a scary place. We all have it. The only difference is some of us have a lock on it and some of us don't. Those of us that don't wish with all their heart they did. Life would be easier if those of us with missing locks had them or could install them, but we are forever fighting to keep our door or containment unit from exploding open. Maybe some day we will have that door firmly closed, the containment unit turned on but there is always the potential for that door to burst wide open and the unit to shut down letting all the demons out. We'll keep fighting for that someday because that's all you can do. All you can do is fight the darkness pushing it back in its room and enjoy the days where the darkness is a little less, possibly even all the way behind the door. It'll burst again, it always does, but it makes those days where it is behind the door that much better because we know what it's like when that door is not closed.

On a Search

Hello to all! Welcome to my blog! first let me start by  introducing myself. My name is Kristen and I'm a 20 something year-old from Ohio. Like many 20 year-olds I'm on a mission to find my place in life and to figure out what I should do with my it. I graduated from college so am now being pressured to find a job, any job that will give benefits and what not. I find the job search a difficult process because I am terrified of being trapped into a job that I hate. In my current job I have the freedom to travel, to pursue my interests, to do other things besides work; but the job pays next to nothing, has no benefits, and no room for growth. I decided to start this blog because I wanted a place where 1) I could get back into writing 2) have an outlet for my thoughts and 3) share and connect with others. I must add that besides being a college graduate with no "big kids" job I battle clinical depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I also have an incredible self-loathing for myself while at the same time a type-A personality, which means I beat myself up over every little failure in life. I go through highs and I go through lows. Some days when a depression bout hits it's a struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. I'm sharing this with you all because I want to share with others my story. I'm not going to whine or bitch about my life but simply share with you my thoughts. I know many of you out there battle what I battle with. It's a comforting thought to know I am not alone and thoughts that I have don't make me crazy and are shared by others. I'm hoping to hear from others and make this Blog an open, honest and safe place for everyone.

 Depression isn't being sad or hating your life or seeking attention. I know I am very blessed in my life and there are people out there worse off then me. I don't want to be depressed but when an episode occurs I have no control. I know many of you out there know I'm talking about. An episode is usually triggered by some event no matter how small. When an episode starts I become a person I don't like in the least. I beat myself up constantly, I cry over everything, I sleep all the time, I do nothing but hide in my house and ignore the world. When the episode ends I am so ashamed of myself because of the way I acted. there is a possibility that I may suffer from some type of Bipolar, which I am looking into. I am lucky because I am surround by many people that love me, stand by me during my episodes, and attempt to understand. I am even more blessed to have people in my life that are battling similar conditions and truly understand what is going on in my head. I take medication and am in the process to finding someone to talk to, but as many of you know medication and therapy only helps manage the symptoms. You have to fight yourself constantly and it's exhausting but it's what has to happen. I decided that it was time to get back into the world of writing and start by sharing a bit of myself with the world. I am working on not being ashamed of my struggle but to embrace and be proud of who I am. Many of you out there are battling the same things as me so my hope is that by sharing my story I can make others feel not as alone, feel less ashamed, and start the journey to healing. 

      
A little insight about the name of my blog, it came from my Favorite movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. I think Holly Golightly sums up the feelings of depression and  anxiety best when she says:
        "You know those days when you've got the mean reds.... the blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long.  You're sad, that's all.  But the mean reds are horrible.  You're afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of.  Except something bad is going to happen, only you don't know what it is."
We all get cases of the mean reds some more than others. Right now I feel like I am in a constant state of the mean reds because so much of my life is in a state of confusion or limbo. I'm terrified of the job search, of growing up, where my relationship is going, that I'm letting life get away from me. Simply put I'm afraid of everything and constantly afraid that every decision I make is the wrong one. Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite movie because the character of Holly is as lost as I am. When she says, "I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's" that was the part that made that movie my all time favorite. in those few sentences Holly captured how I feel about my search to find my purpose and my struggle with depression. I don't want to make any big commitments until I find the place that I am supposed to be. I don't know where that is but I have had tastes of what it feels like. I have had tastes of true happiness and purpose in life and I want to find that again. I want to learn to love who I am and have the confidence to take on the world. So why don't you join me on my journey to find a place like Tiffany's. It won't be easy but it'll be worth it when I get there and when I finally do arrive I will have found the place where me and things go together, and just maybe sharing my story can help others find their places too.