Slowly but Surely

Slowly but surely
I am finding my way

Slowly but surely
I'm getting it all together

Slowly but surely
I'm recognizing little bits
that were hidden lost under
the suppose to's the have to's the shouldn'ts

slowly but surely
I'm recovering pieces lost
buried to please others
breaking off to fit
the standard mold
removing all jagged lines

Slowly but surely
The little bits are starting to shine
The lost pieces have been returned to owner
The smooth empty shell roughed to it's vintage glory

Slowly but surely
the cares of others fall away
as they are replaced with wants and desires
from a voice within that was once
silent and now screams
GET IT TOGETHER
stop whining
stop hiding
stop doubting
stop crying
stop worrying

Slowly but surely
plans are forming action begins
as I realize My life is moving
as I sit here and debate
as I sit here putting others first
As I sit here hiding behind these words
As I sit here watching others do
As I sit here being nothing

Slowly but Surely
I began to move keeping moving
no looking back
Slowly but Surely

tick tick tick...

tick tick tick
tick tick tick
I hear the clock
each second marks
another moment wasted
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
the clock keeps moving
yet I sit here frozen to the couch
covered afraid to even move to the bed
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
I don't what I should do
can't focus on any one thing
all these ideas yet I sit on facebook
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
While I sit watching tv
singing along to the themes
wondering who's that girl
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
I watch other people act
out there dreams go after their goals
have the motivation to achieve it all
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
yet here I sit envying others lives
but doing nothing with my own
but watching and listening to the
tick tick tick...

Don't You Forget About Me

Don't you forget about me...a sentence that sums up a fear many of us fear. What are we leaving behind? What will we be remembered as? Will we leave an impression? So many questions with so few answers. Every time I hear the song "Don't You Forget About Me" I wonder what am I leaving behind to be remembered by. I fear I am leaving nothing, that I am nothing, leaving no one to remember my time on this earth. "Don't You Forget About Me" will never be forgotten or the cult classic movie it is associated with, The Breakfast Club. The ending of that movie is forever engraved in my mind with Judd Nelson shoving his fist into the air and that song playing in the background as all of the breakfast club voice over the letter they wrote

That letter states a scary truth how people view others in the most simplest of terms the most basic definitions, which becomes true even after your gone. Your whole life becomes boiled down to one definition of who you are and how people remember you. Whether we mean to or not we label people and see them as one type of person. People who leave a legacy are viewed under one term. When you think of someone famous anyone dead or alive think of that definition you associate with them. You probably have only one or maybe two things you think of. Now go research that person, really research them not just a quick skim of Google. You'll probably find there is a lot more to that person than the one or two terms you think of them as. That's what the breakfast club tries to teach us that we have all types of emotions, apsects, talents inside of us but at the end of the day and at the end of our lives people tend to remember only one or if we are lucky two things about us, which makes you wonder what are people remembering?

My greatest fear is that I won't be remembered, that I will never achieve that icon fist in the air moment. I want to engrave myself on this world and leave an image of me that people will remember. How do I create that image? How do I shape it to be what I want? How do I know i'm leaving the right one image of myself? I worry about that with every decision I make. I wish I could be remembered as everything I am but I know that's not the case. As more time keeps passing and the older I get I fear people have already created a view of me I cannot escape. What if I have missed my chance?  You only have one shot at that one side of you that people will forever remember. I want to make sure it has the good feelings and the lasting power like Judd Nelson's Iconic moment. I want to be remembered for my heart and talent and not the confusion I feel now.

We all want to be remembered, to leave a lasting impression on this earth. We all wish that people would remember everything about us but sadly that's not the case. People never remember the complex but they do remember the simple definitions they create for themselves. What image are you leaving behind? are you shaping it in to what you want? all we have is the one chance and once people have the image of you shaped their is no changing it. start now before it's to late, don't let yourself be forgotten or worse remembered as something you are not. If the breakfast Club and it's ending taught me anything it is we all have the chance to be remembered but you have to choose how you want to be remembered and make it happen for yourself. you can achieve this:

I will achieve this. I will have my moment with my fist in my air that all will remember. 

You won't forget about me.

That Dark Place

We all have a dark place in our mind that is opened in times of sadness or hardship. Most the times that door is closed in our minds and we can go about with our everyday lives without the darkness consuming us, but those of us that suffer from depression our dark room operates a little differently. For others the door on the dark room stays closed and locked unless something terrible happens that breaks the lock and throws the door wide open. With depression their is never a lock on the door and each day we have to fight to make sure that door stays closed. It's like their is someone on the other side trying to push the door wide open and those with depression fight that other person to keep the door closed. When that fight is lost that person, me, is blown back by the force of the darkness spreading from the room and over taking every part of my brain. I am then left lost in the darkness struggling to gather all the pain. confusion, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that were unleashed when the door burst, and fighting to get them back behind the door and the door closed. With the door open though it's hard to know where I am in my mind and where the door is to try and shut everything away; I am wandering through my own mind lost in the sea of darkness that has overtaken my mind. It may be hard for those who don't have depression to understand because they have a lock on that dark part of their brain. their darkness is locked securely away. It may occasionally escape or slip out under the cracks of the door with every once in a very great while bursting open and flooding a person's mind, but most of the time it is securely locked away without another thought given to that dark room,  with depression it's different. That door is never locked. Yes some days it may be closed, but the difference is their is always the potential at any given moment for that door to burst wide open. That is why a person battling depression is always on the other side of the door trying to keep it closed and trying to not let it win.

Right now my Dark place has burst open and I am wandering lost through my own head. Think of Ghostbusters when the containment unit gets shut down and it explodes and all the ghosts are let free back into the city. My containment unit of my dark place is constantly shutting down and exploding letting all the darkness out. I'm left to attempt to collect all the negative emotions that were set free when the door burst( for the 100 millionth time) but I have to fight each one before I can even stand a chance of collecting it and putting it back in the containment unit. I'm a Ghostbuster in my head waging war against self doubt, pity, self hatred, loathing, sadness, tiredness, and the many other demons that come with depression. I run around in the darkness of my mind searching for the demons my mind let out and trying to weaken them so I can trap them in a little trapper pack and put them back in the containment unit. Most the time it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because it seems as I collect some and put them back behind the door they escape while I'm trying to collect the others still left. It's only me in my head, a lone ghostbuster, no one else can help put the demons back.

That's the scary part about depression that in your mind you are truly alone. It's why people who don't understand get sick of a person with depression. They think the person isn't trying to be happy or is just letting the negative thoughts win, but that's not the case. It's one person fighting a never ending supply of negative thoughts and emotions. No matter what anyone tries to tell you or say to make you feel better you are still alone cleaning up the mess because the demons in your head refuse to listen to anyone else but you. other's voices are just bee's buzzing in the demons ears. they may annoy the demons in your head but they don't put them back behind the door. the only person that can do that is you. I struggle with this. Many times the demons in my head win because I don't have the strength to fight, it doesn't mean I don't try but when it's only me fighting it becomes very exhausting very quickly. It's easier to just let the darkness take over than fight to contain it all to only let it explode again.

That dark place in your mind is a scary place. We all have it. The only difference is some of us have a lock on it and some of us don't. Those of us that don't wish with all their heart they did. Life would be easier if those of us with missing locks had them or could install them, but we are forever fighting to keep our door or containment unit from exploding open. Maybe some day we will have that door firmly closed, the containment unit turned on but there is always the potential for that door to burst wide open and the unit to shut down letting all the demons out. We'll keep fighting for that someday because that's all you can do. All you can do is fight the darkness pushing it back in its room and enjoy the days where the darkness is a little less, possibly even all the way behind the door. It'll burst again, it always does, but it makes those days where it is behind the door that much better because we know what it's like when that door is not closed.

Two steps forward and two steps back

It's always two tiny steps forward and two large steps backwards. I just can't seem to get my life together. Just when I feel like progress is being made I feel like I am being blown backwards. You know those giant wind tunnels where you fight to get to the door or end of the tunnel? I feel like I am stuck in one of those and I make it a few feet closer but am always blown back after each little bit of progress so I have to start over again. The end of the tunnel is a long ways away and some days, I think I won't ever reach it. All I can do is get up off my butt and fight against the wind again and maybe just maybe I'll reach the door this time.


I fight to reach you not knowing
what's on the other side of you
just when I think I'm there the wind
catches me and blows me back
I have to start my trek all over
again in hopes of reaching you this time
the other side of you has got to be better
than the side i'm stuck fighting on.
it must be peaceful over there the
calm after the storm I fought to get across.

One Tree Hill Life Lessons

I've been watching One Tree Hill recently and it has gotten me to thinking about lessons I've learned from the

show. One Tree Hill has relationships, thoughts and events that really make you think about your own life. Now some of you may be laughing at me thinking I'm dumb to take life lessons from a TV show, but One Tree Hill to me is more than a TV show. I've grown up with that show watching it through high school and

college.Many of the quotes I turn to for inspiration or guidance are from this show. Like this quote below, 

we have to continue to believe in our dreams and wishes if we want them to come true because we never know when that might happen. I often forget to believe in my dreams, instead choosing to believe I am foolish for believing in something that will never come true, but this quote reminds me if I want it to happen I have to always carry it with me and believe. It's not easy to keep a dream in your heart, especially when everything and everyone is telling you you should give up, but it wouldn't be a dream if it came easily. A dream is something that has to be worked for so when it comes to fruition we realize how lucky we are to have it come true.

Another Quote that sticks with me is this one:

In life we often become obsessed with the end result instead of the journey we take to get there. We become so concerned with finding the perfect job, finding our true love, getting married and starting a family, we forget to enjoy all the mistakes and all the twists and turns that get us to the destination. This quote reminds me that every mistake, every fall, every adventure is part of the journey. if you let fear hold you back you might miss out on a better destination than the one you wind up at.

Along the same lines of worrying and fearing the journey is the obsession of happiness as a destination. The quote below describes what's wrong with thinking of happiness as a destination.  

We're taught that we need to be happy and that it is something you can search out an attain by having the right things or the right job or the right partner, but happiness doesn't work that way. One Tree Hill reminds me that true happiness is a mood not a place that you can arrive at. You can't picture happiness as being achieved by having the right job, or the right house, or the right amount of money. If you picture happiness that way then you may never be happy. Happiness is a mood it's not always there it comes and goes like any mood, but if you view it as a mood instead of a destination you may just find happiness more often.

If you find yourself unhappy or afraid or your life not where you want it think of this quote:

I think of all the time we waste trying to figure out why our life if where it is and try to put the blame on others but the truth is we are where we are because of ourselves. We can try and blame life, circumstances, fate whatever target we find to blame, or we can accept that we shape our own life. Life may not always be fair but if we fight back and chase after what we want we can achieve our dreams. Every choice we make every, every decision we decide takes us a step further on the path. So make the right choices if you want to stay on the right path because if you wind up on one you don't want to be you have no one to blame but yourself.

The Last lesson and one of the firsts One Tree Hill taught me is this one:

The fact of life is we are all struggling with something in our lives. Each person you meet is battling something that you may have no idea what it is. Remember that the next time you insult someone or judge someone. We have no idea what each other is going through and the struggles that each other faces. It can make a person feel incredibly alone to know that they are just one of many fighting through life. If you can find that one person, doesn't matter who they are if they are a friend, family, significant other, the journey will seem a little less lonely and scary. All you need is one to make you feel connected to the world and remind you you can make it through.

In life we are struggling to find the answers and find the help to make it through. Some people turn to God, some people turn to science, some people turn to books. I turn to anything that sticks with me, whether it's a tv show, a book, a person, history, myself. Anything that can help make sense of this journey we are on I gather and store in my mind for those times I begin to doubt and wonder what I'm working for. Whatever you may turn to I hope it reminds you to enjoy the journey and not be afraid.

Poetry Throwback

Finally a new post! well... kind of. Life has been crazy and I have been going through a rough patch. I didn't want to take the risk of writing a post that was me whining or complaining because that's not what this blog is about. Also I was just feeling a lack of inspiration, but I'm back with thoughts in my head that are ready to be written. I have perspective on this past rough patch so I can write about now from a place of reflection and analysis. So stay tuned for those posts coming soon!

I didn't want to leave you hanging though with just an update and I did promise some of my poetry so here it is! A couple of my favorite poems that I wrote in college. I have them complied into a collection that I hope someday I can publish. It never hurts to dream! So check them out and leave any comments and thoughts below. If you really like what you read then share my blog please!!

Puzzle Piece

did you ever wonder where you fit in?

How your puzzle piece fits into the whole?

Sometimes I feel like my puzzle piece

has fallen off the table.

The missing piece that no one

has even realized is missing yet.

It lays on the floor right

under the table,

as others work hard with all

the other pieces fitting them

into their place.

They work with the pieces that matter,

the pieces that make up the edge

of the image.

While my piece is one of those

annoying middle pieces

that isn't touched till the very end.

It doesn't make up the image.

It's one of those filler pieces,

a solid blah color

like black or blue

part of the sky or night.

A piece that just blends in

no different from the other sky pieces.

It's one of those pieces that

is easily mistaken for another,

which is why it remains

forgotten on the floor.

The last piece to be remembered.

The last piece to find its place.

Avoiding Daylight

She awakes to the feel of the cold

against her warm exposed skin

sending shivers down her spine.

She turns away from the threatening day

retreating to the inside of the bed

where light can not yet reach her.

She knows its almost time to rise

hearing her alarm clock tick away

her last few minutes to lie in bed.

She shouldn't waste her time like this

but she can't force herself to move just yet.

She hates this part of the day where

she must force herself to awake

and begin the monotony that has

become her life. Each day becomes

a little bit harder to climb out of bed

a little bit harder to not just lie there

just for a few more minutes.

As she hides from the sun, which slowly

becomes stronger with each passing minute,

she wonders what the point is...what is she

doing with her life? Each day she wakes

and follows the same routine the same schedule.

All excitement that might have been had vanished

consumed by responsibility and chores.

The only time her life promised any new

or exciting change was at night when

she could retreat inside the world of her dreams.

Her dreams were the only place where she could

let go,live out what she really wish could happen.

Morning ruined all of that, forcing her back to reality.

Morning was the enemy of her dreams.

Forcing her away from where she was happy

back to a place where she had nothing to live for

but what others wanted her to do. Her alarm clock

sounds its fifth attempt to drag her out of bed but

she ignores the call hitting the snooze button

for just ten more minutes of the dark.

The sun now covers her bed reaching its

full peak and she knows she can no

longer hide from its beckoning call.

She knows she must begin her day.

realizing that there is no point

she can't put off her day any longer.

Her alarm clock sounds for the sixth

time and she begins to rise. Slowly

trudging out of bed to face the same

old routine that is her everyday life.

The Walk

Thump thump thump. Listen to the heartbeat. Ringing constantly in your ear. Squish squish squish. The shoes hit the pavement. Rain splashes on the back of well worn jeans. Ripped and torn. Frayed and jagged. Pieces missing where jean should be. These pants have seen many walks. Many steps taken. Over and over the same miles. Again and again. Each step,Each heartbeat. Thump squish thumb squish. It's a lonely walk. More time to think all by yourself. Cars pass by. Cars speed through red lights. Brakes squeal as drivers abruptly stop. Zigzagging, rushing to nowhere. Splashing the water from the curb on whoever is near the sidewalk. She doesn't mind a little water. The bottom of her jeans are soaking wet. Why not the rest of her? Yes please soak her head to toe. Cover her in dirty curb water. Filled with leaves and cigarette buds. Whatever trash someone decided to throw out a car window. She loves the feeling of wet cloth against her skin. Clinging to each nook and cranny of her body. Showing every flaw, every roll of fat she may have. Jeans soaked rub against each other, on the inside of her thighs. Rub them raw. Stain them blue. She doesn't mind. What's a little pain? It'll be gone by tomorrow. Start the walk all over again. Lose a little more jean. Soon they won't be pants. They'll be floods. Up by her ankles. The part that made them pants long gone. So ragged and frayed, they fell away. She doesn't mind. These are her jeans. They are good for now. Dirty and torn but still. Long enough to cover her shoes. In the front anyway. She doesn't care about the back. If she doesn't see it what does it matter? What she only sees. It's what matters. Pay no attention to the cars passing by. The cars that don't stop. Won't stop. If they don't see it doesn't matter. Right? Thud collapse. Tires squeal as they abruptly. STOP.


And as an added bonus here is a picture or 2 of what I looked like at the time this poetry was written in 2010