That Dark Place

We all have a dark place in our mind that is opened in times of sadness or hardship. Most the times that door is closed in our minds and we can go about with our everyday lives without the darkness consuming us, but those of us that suffer from depression our dark room operates a little differently. For others the door on the dark room stays closed and locked unless something terrible happens that breaks the lock and throws the door wide open. With depression their is never a lock on the door and each day we have to fight to make sure that door stays closed. It's like their is someone on the other side trying to push the door wide open and those with depression fight that other person to keep the door closed. When that fight is lost that person, me, is blown back by the force of the darkness spreading from the room and over taking every part of my brain. I am then left lost in the darkness struggling to gather all the pain. confusion, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that were unleashed when the door burst, and fighting to get them back behind the door and the door closed. With the door open though it's hard to know where I am in my mind and where the door is to try and shut everything away; I am wandering through my own mind lost in the sea of darkness that has overtaken my mind. It may be hard for those who don't have depression to understand because they have a lock on that dark part of their brain. their darkness is locked securely away. It may occasionally escape or slip out under the cracks of the door with every once in a very great while bursting open and flooding a person's mind, but most of the time it is securely locked away without another thought given to that dark room,  with depression it's different. That door is never locked. Yes some days it may be closed, but the difference is their is always the potential at any given moment for that door to burst wide open. That is why a person battling depression is always on the other side of the door trying to keep it closed and trying to not let it win.

Right now my Dark place has burst open and I am wandering lost through my own head. Think of Ghostbusters when the containment unit gets shut down and it explodes and all the ghosts are let free back into the city. My containment unit of my dark place is constantly shutting down and exploding letting all the darkness out. I'm left to attempt to collect all the negative emotions that were set free when the door burst( for the 100 millionth time) but I have to fight each one before I can even stand a chance of collecting it and putting it back in the containment unit. I'm a Ghostbuster in my head waging war against self doubt, pity, self hatred, loathing, sadness, tiredness, and the many other demons that come with depression. I run around in the darkness of my mind searching for the demons my mind let out and trying to weaken them so I can trap them in a little trapper pack and put them back in the containment unit. Most the time it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because it seems as I collect some and put them back behind the door they escape while I'm trying to collect the others still left. It's only me in my head, a lone ghostbuster, no one else can help put the demons back.

That's the scary part about depression that in your mind you are truly alone. It's why people who don't understand get sick of a person with depression. They think the person isn't trying to be happy or is just letting the negative thoughts win, but that's not the case. It's one person fighting a never ending supply of negative thoughts and emotions. No matter what anyone tries to tell you or say to make you feel better you are still alone cleaning up the mess because the demons in your head refuse to listen to anyone else but you. other's voices are just bee's buzzing in the demons ears. they may annoy the demons in your head but they don't put them back behind the door. the only person that can do that is you. I struggle with this. Many times the demons in my head win because I don't have the strength to fight, it doesn't mean I don't try but when it's only me fighting it becomes very exhausting very quickly. It's easier to just let the darkness take over than fight to contain it all to only let it explode again.

That dark place in your mind is a scary place. We all have it. The only difference is some of us have a lock on it and some of us don't. Those of us that don't wish with all their heart they did. Life would be easier if those of us with missing locks had them or could install them, but we are forever fighting to keep our door or containment unit from exploding open. Maybe some day we will have that door firmly closed, the containment unit turned on but there is always the potential for that door to burst wide open and the unit to shut down letting all the demons out. We'll keep fighting for that someday because that's all you can do. All you can do is fight the darkness pushing it back in its room and enjoy the days where the darkness is a little less, possibly even all the way behind the door. It'll burst again, it always does, but it makes those days where it is behind the door that much better because we know what it's like when that door is not closed.

A Letter to My Two Best Friends

To My Two Best Friends,

You two have been the reason I have made it through the past couple months. You two always provide me the kick in the butt I need and listen to my problems. I can call you whenever and I know if you can you will answer and listen. You know what I deserve, which means you fight endlessly to convince me that I deserve better.I'm lucky to have two people that are always there for and that always listen because not many people have one let alone two.

To K:
K I have known you since the fourth grade, when you asked me to walk home from school. I said no because I was afraid to get in trouble. that moment forged a friendship that has survived it all, from that moment you have pushed me to try new things and not be afraid of life. You helped me through one of the roughest periods of my life, when I decided to completely change my life around and get out from under my mother's shadow. You were supportive and even helped me dye my hair blonde. You kept telling me to do what makes me happy and not be afraid to chase after what I want. Whenever I am scared to try something, you push me full force into it because you don't accept fear as a reason to hide from life. I have always played life on the cautious side, while you leap straight ahead and don't look back. Many times you have dragged me with you, which let me experience things I never would have otherwise. I am nowhere near as fearless as you are, but because of you I am more brave now than I would have ever been without you.

I look up to you because you decide what you want your life to be and you go for it with full force. You don't let anyone stand in your way or tell you how to live your life. So often I let myself get bogged down by trying to please people and live my life according to others wishes. You remind me that I need to live my life the way I want to, not the way others think I should. Now, I'm not saying you are perfect, I know you have fears and insecurities, but that's why you have me. In those moments of doubt I will always remind you that you are amazing and you are going so far in life. I know you will achieve greatness because of your heart, determination, and caring nature I know you think I sometimes hold you on a pedestal, but it's only because I admire the person you are. Despite your fears, insecurities  and moments of doubt, you always plow right on ahead with life and go on to achieve amazing feats. I use to wonder (and sometimes still do) why you would want to be best friends with me, but I've come to realize we balance each other out perfectly. We fit that cliche that two halves make a whole. You are my other half and I think I am yours because we just get each other and fill the missing places in each other.

You may not always answer your phone, sometimes you are frustratingly hard to get a hold of but when it matters you are there. You have been there every time I have truly needed you and I know you always will be there. I hate and love that you live far away. I hate it because it means you can't always be here when I need you, but love it because it means I can escape and come visit you in all the amazing different places you live. One thing I know for sure is no matter the distance between us our friendship is always there. You are my sister in so many ways that it doesn't matter the distance or how long we go without talking because of our busy lives, you will always be there.

I love you with all my heart and I thank you for asking me to walk home all those years ago. Thank you for introducing me to the many new things that our now favorites in my life. Thank you for making me step out of my comfort zone. Thank you for reminding me how life should be lived. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for including me in your crazy life journey. Most importantly, thank you for always reminding me to be me and loving the crazy person that I am just the way I am. Thank you K for being the sister I never had. No matter what happens in life or where we go you will always be my best friend, my number one, my bb, my sister.

To A:
Our friendship started because I was dating C who is basically like a brother to you. It started out as simply having someone to talk to at family functions and evolved into a friendship that has made you a part of my family. We use to joke that we were each other's number 2 best friends because our number 1 best friend spot was taken. I know you called me your number 2 because I didn't demand your time or make you worry   that I would be mad if you hadn't seen me in a couple weeks. The funny thing is now that we are older we have become each other's "number 1s". You live here with me so you experience my life first hand with me and I yours. It's sometimes hard to explain things to those who aren't around even those closest to you that just live far away, but you always get it because you are usually right there with me. You also understand my crazy relationship and my craziness. We use to go weeks without seeing each other, but now it's weird to me if I go longer than a week without seeing you. Our hangout time just watching movies or pinteresting together is the sanity in my roller coaster life.

 When work, my family, my relationship are all a mess you are always there to help me clean my life up or just help me ignore the mess for a little while. you've become such a huge part of my life that I depend on, I don't know how I would have made it through these months without you. Both of our lives have been a mess, you have been going through so much and it breaks my heart to see you in pain. I know you have been experiencing a wide variety of emotions that you keep to yourself. I think you bottle it up because I think you fear if you ever did let it all out you would fall apart and not be able to get back together again. I want you to know that if you need to fall apart it's okay because I'll be here to pick up the pieces. I would never let you stay broken because you've never let me stay broken. I will always be here for you if you need to cry, yell, go crazy, or just forget about everything and act like stupid 20 year olds. I hope you know I will always be there for you. When you have those days the weight is just too much to bear just pass it to me and I'll take it for awhile so you can breath and have some fun.

You amaze me with how you handle life. I know you may feel that your life is a mess, but I'm amazed at how you survive every obstacle that has been thrown at you. You take life's challenges and deal with them as they happen. After everything life has thrown at you, you are still optimistic, outgoing, caring, loving, and have a passion for life. You have had to deal with so much yet you keep going because it's all you can do. I am so proud and amazed by how strong you are. I sometimes feel weak when I fall apart and I look to your strength to pull myself back together. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong and amazing mother to look up to. I watched you take on motherhood and succeed like all of the other challenges in life. I can't imagine being a mom so young but you make it work and you always make sure your daughter never doubts for a second how much you love her or what you would sacrifice for her. Don't ever worry that you won't succeed because you have one of the rarest qualities, you know how to deal with life's punches. You'll go far because you know how to take what life gives you and make it work. I admire that about you and try to learn how to apply it to my life.

Don't ever feel that the friendship is not equal or you are somehow taking advantage of me because you don't. You are my family, which means I would do anything to help you out because I know you would do the same for me. I love that you know you can always count on me and ask me for help, because I enjoy being a helpful friend. You could never take advantage of help that is freely offered. Besides I get plenty in return  I get to be an amazing aunt to your beautiful daughter and I get an amazing best friend.You are always there when I need you, you put up with my craziness and depressive fits. You do one of the most important things, which is just hanging out and listening to me that means the world to me. When K moved away I lost that safety of having that person that always understood right down from the street from me. You may not be right down the street but 20 mins is still closer than an 8 hour drive. You provide me with an escape and outlet from my house, which is priceless. Very few people are lucky enough to have that friend where they can just hang out and do nothing even in silence and it isn't awkward. I'm lucky I have you and K I can both do that with.

Thank you for being such an amazing friend. I am so glad you moved home and am thankful for how close we have grown because of you moving back. It's been a roller coaster ride these past few months and I'm glad I had someone by my side to help me get through it. I love you very much. Know that I will always be here for you no matter what you need. Your not alone and you have someone that will always have you and your daughter's back no matter what. Hopefully this year we get what we want and get on track but if not at least we have each other to help get through. Thank you for becoming a part of my family and letting me become a part of yours. In my heart you have become a sister to me and I am so lucky that I have not one but two sisters in my life.