What to Write

We all have those moments where we are at a complete loss of what to write. Oh sure there are probably 50 different ideas going on in your head but when it comes to writing on them you find yourself at a loss of words. I have gone to write now two days in a row but have no idea what I want to write about. Should I write about the book I just read, should I write another piece on my struggles on growing up, or should I branch out and write something completely different. Sometimes the hardest part of writing is picking a topic and following through on the writing. It's all about the follow through, which makes me think of a song by Gavin Degraw called " Follow Through". In that song he says: " You'll have to follow through. on every word you say". Now it may seem like I'm rambling but trust me I'm going somewhere with this song. Read those lyrics again. Now think about the writing process. Every word carries weight, carries meaning, an author has to follow through with what they say on paper to make the words mean something, which can be the most daunting task. The hardest part is transferring the ideas to paper or in this case the ideas to a computer screen. 

Many of my friends often laugh over how heavy my purse is but it's because I usually have two books and two notebooks on me at all times. I may not even touch any of them in a day but it's a comfort to know that any time inspiration strikes I can jot down a few notes about an idea I may have. The struggle comes when trying to flush out that idea. many times I have sat down in front of screen to write sat there for an hour or so to end up with nothing. Maybe I'm over thinking the process. Maybe I'm just not that strong of a writer. Maybe I'm just lazy that day. Maybe it's the ADHD side of me. Or maybe it's the thought that the words I put out there carry weight, which means I'm not just going to write about anything and post it. Sometimes the hardest part of the writing is the follow through but it can also be the best part. 

When I sat down to write tonight I had no idea I was going to end up writing a whole post on writing but as my thoughts began to wander, the words began to flow and I started to finally follow through on a post. Sometimes the easiest way to jump start the process is not to plan what to write but to let the piece write itself. This may not be my best piece of writing but I've achieved several things with this post. I finally followed through on a blog post, I wrote something down, I feel inspired to keep writing, and I'm following through on my goal of posting more frequently. In not knowing what to write I have voiced out loud my writing process, taking you through my mind( I know a very scary place) on what goes through my mind when I try to write, If you take away anything from this post take away that writing is a constant process. You may not like everything you write. You may walk away with nothing after sitting down for hours trying to write something. But if you just sit and let the words flow with no clear purpose just follow through on the actual act of pen to paper or fingers to keys, you may find yourself with a piece you never thought you could write or at the very least feel like you accomplished something with your time. Until next time, I'll leave you with this image of how I feel about the writing process.

Cliche New Year New Changes Post But Not Really

Yes you read that title correctly. Yes I'm about to write a post about changes I plan to make in the new year but before you leave because you are sick of reading those types of posts let me just quickly tell you the goal of the post. It is not to list to all the changes I  wish to make but probably won't. I won't be talking about my goal weight for the year or how I plan to eat healthier or do one of those challenges or be a happier person. No I will not subject you to having to read another one of those posts. So if you've hung in with me so far and trust I will not bust out any New Year's cliches in this post keep reading...

So you've made it to the second paragraph and may be wondering what this post is all about if it is actually about anything ( it is I assure you), My intentions with this post are to announce changes to this blog and with my writing. Now one obvious change you may be shouting at me is are you going to actually post more or just post for a couple weeks and then disappear? I have every intention of posting more as I now have a clearer idea of what I want from this blog. Now I am making no promises of how often I will post since that would fall under New Year's cliches of making promises you can't keep but look at this way posting some is progress over the last couple months in which there was no posting.What you don't know is I've gone to write posts but have never finished them because I just didn't feel like they belonged on this blog. If you have read any of my posts in the past you may have read some of my poetry intermingled with my thoughts. I love writing poetry but I have realized for me to truly write what I am feeling it needs to be separate from where I talk about my real life and personal thoughts. So I have created a new blog for my writing over at word press, which will be strictly for my creative writing. The separation allows me a clearer thought process, which makes me feel more comfortable posting poems as an author and not as a blogger.

Why do I feel the need for a whole different blog for poetry? As a poet I write poems based where my mind takes me. I'm the author but that doesn't always mean what I'm  writing about I personally feel or have experienced, they are just thoughts in my head. I feel if I keep writing poem's here the speaker of the poem will be associated automatically with my  personal voice and not the voice of the person in the poem. If you think back to high school English, think about when your teacher discussed the difference between when the author is speaking and when a fictional character is speaking that's what my concern is over. I don't want the persona of my poem to be mixed with my real life thoughts. I want a place where I feel free to release my creative thoughts without it being assumed I'm talking about my self.  Also I plan on writing more poetry this year to reach the goal of being published. I want a place where I can see only my creative work in one place and post the good along with the not so good pieces. Think of my new poetry blog as my creative writing journal in the open minus the ones I hope might be strong enough to be published elsewhere.

Now what's happening to this blog you may be asking? I'm keeping it with every intention of writing more and sharing more with you all. I have some great post ideas floating around in my head that I just need to get written down, This blog is still about my search for that happy place, which I hope you're still interested in. Even if you're not I'll continue posting anyways because I like to write for me if people actually read what I write it's a rewarding bonus.

for being so patient I will share the link to my new blog. This will be the only time I post this here so if you want to follow my other blog that's great if not that's fine too. so here it is:
Inviting the Soul to Wander 

If you decide to wander over to the new blog I hope you enjoy but remember that what I write is as an author not as a personal blog post, which means the persona of the poem could talk about anything that inspires me to write.

Until the next post...I freely give you permission to heckle me if the next post does not come in a timely fashion.

New Year

New Year's. It's the celebration of out with the old and in with the new. It's a holiday celebrated all over the world as we all say goodbye to one year, 365 days, and hello to a new year filled with possibilities. To me New Year's has always had magic surrounding it, a wonderment in the way we say goodbye and welcome the new all in one night. I've always believed how I celebrate New Year's sets the tone for the rest of the year. Superstitious? perhaps but that's the power of thinking. I believe it sets the tone and so it does, Maybe that's putting to much pressure on one day to dictate how a whole year goes, but think about it from this perspective. the title is New Year's not another year or a different year but NEW. New meaning anything is possible, clean slate, fresh start, washing away the old, embracing the future, and last but not least it;s hope, With a new year brings the hope that this year will be the year hence New Year's resolutions, which gives us the chance to take charge and control of our future and year. It's the first day in 365 days in which anything can happen. There's a rush to not knowing what the year could bring and that you could start out the year in a completely different way than the way you end it, It's scary and exciting in the same breath, but you can feel the energy of everyone around you as they reminisce and dream of the future in the same night. I think that's what makes New Year's so magical is the dichotomy of the whole evening. Old and new , goodbye and hello, past and future, memories and dreams. all of those opposites come together in one night so that we can say goodbye to one year and welcome a new year.

As I count down the new year, 5...4...3...2..1...,, it feels as if I step through a doorway and I can feel myself letting go of everything that occurred in that old year all the pain, all the regrets, I get to choose what I hold on to and what I take through that door, When that clock reaches 0, I shout Happy New Year! all that I was holding on to trying to say goodbye to just flies away as I step across to a whole new year where nothing has happened yet. I can feel the hope and the dreams coursing through me, feeling like a snake that has shed her skin. I'm fresh, free of last year's baggage, ready to make the year what I want the year to be.

I'm not going to put any New Year's resolutions, that I won't follow through on, here or make a list or plans for the new year because that's not what this is about. A new year is about the unkown, about welcoming it as it is and not as you think it should be. It's about embracing the fear and stepping into the year with nothing but hope. So as I step into this new year I will cling to this feeling as long as possible until it evetually fades and the uncertainty, fear, and doubt return. But I will hold on knowing that come the end of the year I can once again welcome that feeling back with hope that maybe just maybe one year I can hold on to that New year feeling all the way through.

Slowly but Surely

Slowly but surely
I am finding my way

Slowly but surely
I'm getting it all together

Slowly but surely
I'm recognizing little bits
that were hidden lost under
the suppose to's the have to's the shouldn'ts

slowly but surely
I'm recovering pieces lost
buried to please others
breaking off to fit
the standard mold
removing all jagged lines

Slowly but surely
The little bits are starting to shine
The lost pieces have been returned to owner
The smooth empty shell roughed to it's vintage glory

Slowly but surely
the cares of others fall away
as they are replaced with wants and desires
from a voice within that was once
silent and now screams
GET IT TOGETHER
stop whining
stop hiding
stop doubting
stop crying
stop worrying

Slowly but surely
plans are forming action begins
as I realize My life is moving
as I sit here and debate
as I sit here putting others first
As I sit here hiding behind these words
As I sit here watching others do
As I sit here being nothing

Slowly but Surely
I began to move keeping moving
no looking back
Slowly but Surely

tick tick tick...

tick tick tick
tick tick tick
I hear the clock
each second marks
another moment wasted
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
the clock keeps moving
yet I sit here frozen to the couch
covered afraid to even move to the bed
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
I don't what I should do
can't focus on any one thing
all these ideas yet I sit on facebook
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
While I sit watching tv
singing along to the themes
wondering who's that girl
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
I watch other people act
out there dreams go after their goals
have the motivation to achieve it all
tick tick tick
tick tick tick
yet here I sit envying others lives
but doing nothing with my own
but watching and listening to the
tick tick tick...

Don't You Forget About Me

Don't you forget about me...a sentence that sums up a fear many of us fear. What are we leaving behind? What will we be remembered as? Will we leave an impression? So many questions with so few answers. Every time I hear the song "Don't You Forget About Me" I wonder what am I leaving behind to be remembered by. I fear I am leaving nothing, that I am nothing, leaving no one to remember my time on this earth. "Don't You Forget About Me" will never be forgotten or the cult classic movie it is associated with, The Breakfast Club. The ending of that movie is forever engraved in my mind with Judd Nelson shoving his fist into the air and that song playing in the background as all of the breakfast club voice over the letter they wrote

That letter states a scary truth how people view others in the most simplest of terms the most basic definitions, which becomes true even after your gone. Your whole life becomes boiled down to one definition of who you are and how people remember you. Whether we mean to or not we label people and see them as one type of person. People who leave a legacy are viewed under one term. When you think of someone famous anyone dead or alive think of that definition you associate with them. You probably have only one or maybe two things you think of. Now go research that person, really research them not just a quick skim of Google. You'll probably find there is a lot more to that person than the one or two terms you think of them as. That's what the breakfast club tries to teach us that we have all types of emotions, apsects, talents inside of us but at the end of the day and at the end of our lives people tend to remember only one or if we are lucky two things about us, which makes you wonder what are people remembering?

My greatest fear is that I won't be remembered, that I will never achieve that icon fist in the air moment. I want to engrave myself on this world and leave an image of me that people will remember. How do I create that image? How do I shape it to be what I want? How do I know i'm leaving the right one image of myself? I worry about that with every decision I make. I wish I could be remembered as everything I am but I know that's not the case. As more time keeps passing and the older I get I fear people have already created a view of me I cannot escape. What if I have missed my chance?  You only have one shot at that one side of you that people will forever remember. I want to make sure it has the good feelings and the lasting power like Judd Nelson's Iconic moment. I want to be remembered for my heart and talent and not the confusion I feel now.

We all want to be remembered, to leave a lasting impression on this earth. We all wish that people would remember everything about us but sadly that's not the case. People never remember the complex but they do remember the simple definitions they create for themselves. What image are you leaving behind? are you shaping it in to what you want? all we have is the one chance and once people have the image of you shaped their is no changing it. start now before it's to late, don't let yourself be forgotten or worse remembered as something you are not. If the breakfast Club and it's ending taught me anything it is we all have the chance to be remembered but you have to choose how you want to be remembered and make it happen for yourself. you can achieve this:

I will achieve this. I will have my moment with my fist in my air that all will remember. 

You won't forget about me.

That Dark Place

We all have a dark place in our mind that is opened in times of sadness or hardship. Most the times that door is closed in our minds and we can go about with our everyday lives without the darkness consuming us, but those of us that suffer from depression our dark room operates a little differently. For others the door on the dark room stays closed and locked unless something terrible happens that breaks the lock and throws the door wide open. With depression their is never a lock on the door and each day we have to fight to make sure that door stays closed. It's like their is someone on the other side trying to push the door wide open and those with depression fight that other person to keep the door closed. When that fight is lost that person, me, is blown back by the force of the darkness spreading from the room and over taking every part of my brain. I am then left lost in the darkness struggling to gather all the pain. confusion, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions that were unleashed when the door burst, and fighting to get them back behind the door and the door closed. With the door open though it's hard to know where I am in my mind and where the door is to try and shut everything away; I am wandering through my own mind lost in the sea of darkness that has overtaken my mind. It may be hard for those who don't have depression to understand because they have a lock on that dark part of their brain. their darkness is locked securely away. It may occasionally escape or slip out under the cracks of the door with every once in a very great while bursting open and flooding a person's mind, but most of the time it is securely locked away without another thought given to that dark room,  with depression it's different. That door is never locked. Yes some days it may be closed, but the difference is their is always the potential at any given moment for that door to burst wide open. That is why a person battling depression is always on the other side of the door trying to keep it closed and trying to not let it win.

Right now my Dark place has burst open and I am wandering lost through my own head. Think of Ghostbusters when the containment unit gets shut down and it explodes and all the ghosts are let free back into the city. My containment unit of my dark place is constantly shutting down and exploding letting all the darkness out. I'm left to attempt to collect all the negative emotions that were set free when the door burst( for the 100 millionth time) but I have to fight each one before I can even stand a chance of collecting it and putting it back in the containment unit. I'm a Ghostbuster in my head waging war against self doubt, pity, self hatred, loathing, sadness, tiredness, and the many other demons that come with depression. I run around in the darkness of my mind searching for the demons my mind let out and trying to weaken them so I can trap them in a little trapper pack and put them back in the containment unit. Most the time it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because it seems as I collect some and put them back behind the door they escape while I'm trying to collect the others still left. It's only me in my head, a lone ghostbuster, no one else can help put the demons back.

That's the scary part about depression that in your mind you are truly alone. It's why people who don't understand get sick of a person with depression. They think the person isn't trying to be happy or is just letting the negative thoughts win, but that's not the case. It's one person fighting a never ending supply of negative thoughts and emotions. No matter what anyone tries to tell you or say to make you feel better you are still alone cleaning up the mess because the demons in your head refuse to listen to anyone else but you. other's voices are just bee's buzzing in the demons ears. they may annoy the demons in your head but they don't put them back behind the door. the only person that can do that is you. I struggle with this. Many times the demons in my head win because I don't have the strength to fight, it doesn't mean I don't try but when it's only me fighting it becomes very exhausting very quickly. It's easier to just let the darkness take over than fight to contain it all to only let it explode again.

That dark place in your mind is a scary place. We all have it. The only difference is some of us have a lock on it and some of us don't. Those of us that don't wish with all their heart they did. Life would be easier if those of us with missing locks had them or could install them, but we are forever fighting to keep our door or containment unit from exploding open. Maybe some day we will have that door firmly closed, the containment unit turned on but there is always the potential for that door to burst wide open and the unit to shut down letting all the demons out. We'll keep fighting for that someday because that's all you can do. All you can do is fight the darkness pushing it back in its room and enjoy the days where the darkness is a little less, possibly even all the way behind the door. It'll burst again, it always does, but it makes those days where it is behind the door that much better because we know what it's like when that door is not closed.